Hope for Coping with Traumatic Stress

THANK YOU MY FRIENDS!!

2012-01-21T23:09:00.000-05:00

Thank you my friends!! Thank you for reading my posts! Thank you for your comments, those of you who have commented on my posts. I know I am hard to follow, because I don't post regularly, but I have some of you friends who still check up on me from time to time, and I do really appreciate that. So, this post today is dedicated to my readers, whoever you are, even if I don't know you; thank you for reading my posts!! Thank you for making it worth it for me to post on here - that I'm not just posting to the wind - someone is actually reading out there, and hopefully what I am posting is helping some of you. I pray it is:) I write in my diary too, but that is only for me. When I post on here, I hope that it will be helpful for someone else somehow:) Have a wonderful evening and upcoming week everyone!!

Mind Control

2012-01-01T21:50:00.000-05:00

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ." 2 Cor. 10:4-5

I had thought of saying more, but really this sums it up pretty good, there is not much more to say about it. This is just what I must do, and what must be done to win the war! If that is done, everything else will fall into place!

This is What Happened

2011-12-23T00:34:00.000-05:00

I have had to keep it (what happened) inside mostly for various reasons. But, that is not good for various reasons. I need to tell what happened, but only on a safe place. I think now that this is a safe place.

A lot of time has gone by, but yet a bad scar remains from the 'mark' that he made on me. It is literally called 'marking' in that church organization, when what he did to me was done. First I must regress, I was in counseling with him for the emotional, physical and sexual abuse that I received as a child from my parents. I grew to totally trust him. He said that he would always be there for me, that he cared for me. Then, I started to go through a bad spell, where I was getting very depressed and wound up in the mental hospital over a weekend (I took myself there). Shortly after that - a couple months, when I was still not feeling well, and I still had not yet found a new psychiatrist, so I didn't have one (even though I was trying hard to find one), I became very anxious... and I emailed him after one of his sermons because he said something in it that made me feel bad so I asked him to clarify. He explained, but it only served to make it worse; we weren't communicating correctly. Then I asked him if he cared about me. He said like he had said before, impatiently to take a step back and look over what he had already written to me before, or something like that, very impatiently. So, I asked him please would he just answer if he still cared about me. I was feeling suicidal right then. He had yelled at me before, and had almost 'marked' me before, but stopped when I was ill. So, I asked please do you care about me, to him. I know I should not have cared what he thought, but I was not thinking right.

He said I am NOT going to answer that. Look at what I already wrote before. That told me no, he didn't. In my suicidal mind, I emailed my friend who worked at the headquarters office and told her that if I died that night that it would be his fault. She immediately sent him the email. Guess what he did? Did he check to see if I was o.k., because he cared if I committed suicide? No!! He called me up and told me not to come back to services and that I was NOT allowed to talk to anyone in that whole church organization.

I never even heard of 'marking' anyone before that. They always talked about 'disfellowshipping' - which is forever dismissing someone from the church organization. But 'marking' - is the same thing only it is only from the local pastor not the head of the entire church organization to everyone in it. So, slowly he began telling first the heads of the different areas, then other members... not to talk to me, as they asked about me he would tell them not to talk to me, clear up until today and that was a couple of years ago, and I and my family attend another church now. This of course brings me flashbacks and is even worse than when the kids at school would get the entire school yard full of kids to chase me around the school shouting that they wanted to see a fight - just because I was different - I was taller than everyone else - I guess, and I had no friends. I was terribly scared and bullied all through school. If you have read through my posts you have read where I was almost killed by another teenager with a knife when I was just 14. Anyway, you can understand the flashbacks I got from the 'marking'. It left scars, and even on someone without these PTSD issues it would have left scars!! And that's not mentioning the hurt caused from the betrayal of a trusted friend whom you trusted with the emotional pain of an abused traumatized childhood.

Thing is, I forgive him. But, I did need to voice these thoughts and feelings. It is necessary to say and express our hurts our pain and grief so that we can let it go. Now that I have spoken it, I can let it go. In fact, one day I hope that all of my abusers will repent and we can be reconciled. Until then my forgiveness is like a gift, waiting in a package to be opened upon their repentance and conversion before God; because really, they have sinned before God, and they have wronged me their fellow human being.

Happy Hanukkah!

2011-12-22T22:49:00.000-05:00

Happy Hanukkah to all of my friends who celebrate it!:) For those of you who don't know Hanukkah is a Jewish civil holiday (it is not a commanded holy day) kept in remembrance of miracles which G-d performed for them. Hanukkah commemorates the victory of the Jewish Maccabees and their forces against the mighty armies of the Syrian King Antiochus; it also commemorates the one jug of pure oil (enough only for one day) lasting for eight days - enough time to keep the menorah burning for eight days.

We have (our children and us) enjoyed making and eating traditional foods cooked in oil - latkes (like potatoe cakes), and sufganiyot (jelly donuts) and our family's favorite - Chocolate Fudge Hanukkah Gelt Cake. Yum!:) The kids love putting the chocolate gelt all over the top and sides of the cake!:) We also enjoy playing dreidel with chocolate gelt.

Enjoy your days of Hanukkah and the miracles in your lives my friends!!:)

No More Pain!

2011-12-01T18:30:00.000-05:00

The pain is deep now
What can I say
Because it won't go away.
Try as I may
It seems here to stay.

Sometimes I cannot speak
it is so bad, but just because
now I can, does not mean the pain
is less. It hurts like hell! There
is a knife, I am sure in my heart,
if only I could see to remove it
I would, but this kind is too deep.

This cut was made by a friend
turned enemy, a friend who became
a foe, who thrust his knife within
my heart, within my soul. His
betrayal of my trust, his laughter
at my pain, have only caused
a damage that can only be removed
by the one who gives life eternal.

In this life it will always remain,
the pain, that is. No! The scar.
He will take the pain away. He carried
it Himself, endured it in His body! He
has removed the sin in the hopes of the
repentance of the sinners. Therefore
I will hope in a Day of no more pain!

Never Give Up!

2011-11-28T22:08:00.000-05:00

On Facebook today I saw a quote that said "Having a rough morning? Place your hand over your heart. Feel that. That's called purpose. You're alive for a reason. Don't give up." How inspiring! I just had to share that with you all! I have known a few people who have given up - who have committed suicide, and some others who have tried, including me who has thought of it at different times in the past. I do NOT now though. I have hope for the future! I have been going through a rather tough time lately, I don't know why exactly. I have been having more flashbacks and I am more depressed than usual. However, like Winston Churchill said - "Never, never, never give up!" With the Almighty by my side I will never give up!! My friends - Never give up!!:)

Be Thankful!!

2011-11-21T20:33:00.000-05:00

Be thankful! Thanksgiving is almost here for those of my readers who live in the United States. Do you really meditate on Thanksgiving about what you are truly thankful for? You should! To whom are you thankful? The Eternal gives us everything that we have. Here are some things that I am thankful for: my family - husband, children, cousins, 2nd cousins, aunts, church family, my home, car, pets (dove, dog, bunny), my friends, my talents, good memories of travels & adventures with my kids, God's Holy Spirit & Truth. I hope this list has helped you to think of things that you are thankful for too. This is only a beginning for me, as I could think of more. Even though I have PTSD, with depression, OCD and anxiety attacks if I were to ever stop taking my 4 medicines, I still have a LOT to be thankful for; you probably do too.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!

Too Much to Do!

2011-11-13T13:18:00.000-05:00

I haven't been on here in such a long time and it seems I just can't keep up with a regular schedule of coming on here, but I do my best. My oldest son who has Aspergers is really having a tough time with school this year. I'm going to have to file a grievance with the school district because he was not given an I.E.P. last year just because of one point, which he really does have. It was a misdiagnosis. Also, I've been busy taking care of my younger son who has pneumonia. He is improving now, but he still has it. Hopefully he will be completely over it by Tuesday when he sees his family doctor.

Keep hanging on friends. We all have our challenges in life, even beyond our PTSD...

I know what it is to Forgive and Forget!

2011-10-24T16:46:00.000-04:00

All I can say about this is - I know what it is to FORGIVE and FORGET!:) I had something very AWESOME happen today - RECONCILIATION with an old friend!:) I am so happy!!!:)

Also, we just got back from our trip to Jamaica for Sukkot - the Feast of Tabernacles!!! We had an AWESOME time!!! It would have been nice to stay longer than the 8 days, but we had to get back. My son had to get back to school, my husband back to his job, and I needed to get back and pick up more of my medicine (unfortunately I still have to take it). Someday I believe though that I won't have to take medicine anymore, when I am healed - completely well!! That day will come!!:)

Believe that my friends, that your healing will come too - it will. Keep working on overcoming; you'll get there!! God will do what you can't do:)

Finally A Harasser Stopped!!

2011-09-17T22:13:00.000-04:00

Finally one person who was harassing me stopped!! I didn't think she ever would. But it appears that she finally found something else to occupy her time besides constantly calling me. She was literally obsessed with harassing me. I guess she finally got a life:) It is really something else how someone who is a PTSD survivor can turn around and harass a fellow survivor. I just don't get it!! Oh well, I think that is over now! I had a couple of friends praying for me and now she has stopped. If she wouldn't have I was going to get the police in on it!

Have a great Sunday my friends:)

Enjoy Every Moment With Your Children!

2011-09-08T21:16:00.000-04:00

My oldest son just went back to school the day after Labor Day. This will make only his second year in a public school. I still homeschool my youngest two children. It works for all of us and all are content with the arrangement. The only thing we've really had to adjust to is getting up really early. In the summer we slept in late and got up late, now we have to get up at 6:00. And their Dad has to take the bus, poor hubby, because we only have one car; but he doesn't mind because that means that our son can go to a better school.

One thing I can tell you is this - time flies! Summer just flew by! I cherish every moment with my kids. They are only this age once. Our oldest is now taller than I am, and he is only 13! If you have kids, enjoy your time with them now, while they are still children. Be sure to instill in them your values. If you don't, who do you think will? You can be sure that they are developing their character now, so be sure that you are influencing it for good. Some of us with PTSD didn't have a good childhood, but we can be sure that our children do! So, do that! Cherish your children! Instill in them good morals! Make sure their childhood is a beautiful one!

Enjoy Summer! Try to Ignore Negative Thoughts and People!

2011-08-02T19:52:00.000-04:00

I haven't posted in quite awhile, so I thought it about time I did. My family had a wonderful time camping in a tent, canooing and climbing the sand dunes! Then on the 4th of July we had a wonderful time at the fire works! We just love to sit on the ground on a blanket and watch the beautiful fireworks! For my daughters birthday, we had a small party for her. She turned 11! I want her to have a wonderful, most AWESOME 11th year of her life! That was the worst year of my life I think, so I want it to be the BEST year for her!!

Lately, even today some bad things, and nasty people came into my life to stir things up and bring back flashbacks. But hey you know what, I'm just going to ignore those people and thoughts, because they don't deserve my time!!!

I plan to take my kids to one of the 3 lakes around here, or maybe all three, before my oldest has to go back to school in 6 weeks. I have to think about positive things like that. We'll have fun swimming!! We'll make a day of it! We'll bring some food for a picnick and go swimming and stay all day! This time I better remember my sun block!:)

Have a great summer everyone!! Concentrate on positive thoughts!!

Helpful Commentary for Those Who Would Like to Help Others with PTSD!

2011-07-05T20:59:00.000-04:00

I hope all of my American friends have enjoyed a fun filled Independence Day and took the time to relflect on the blessings that we have in this country! I hope all of my friends are enjoying their summer and are reflecting on their blessings as well, wherever you may live!

For those of you who would like to understand Posttraumatic Stress Disorder better in order to help a friend or others, here is a commentary written by Laurie Hernandez from Tomorrow's World magazine. It is entitled "PTSD? What Is It? How Can We Help?" You will find it at - http://www.tomorrowsworld.org/commentary/ptsd-what-is-it-how-can-we-help

Have a wonderful summer, and never give up on getting well, you will!!

Have Fun and Enjoy Summer!

2011-07-03T16:04:00.000-04:00

My family and I were on vacation last week! We went canooing, swimming, sand dune climbing, roasting marshmallows over the fire and sleeping in a tent! We really enjoyed ourselves, in spite of the fact that I got a severe burn, and my Raynauld's acted up after swimming in the chilly water. It will help you also to forget about your stresses, just to get away - leave the phone and computer and job and whatever stresses you have behind and take a vacation. Try to leave your PTSD behind and live for the moment in nature with your family or friends and enjoy yourself!! Go for it!!

A New Drug to Erase Bad Memories?

2011-06-09T21:34:00.000-04:00

Amazing as it may sound they have now found a drug that just may be used in the future for PTSD survivors to erase their bad memories! Unbelievable? Check this out at Timothy Kendrick's blog - 'The Drug Metyrapone to Erase Bad Memories?' It's at - http://rainmakerty.blogspot.com/2011/06/drug-metyrapone-to-erase-bad-memories.html

They Are Gone For Good!! I am FREE!!:)

2011-06-07T20:28:00.000-04:00

They are gone for good now I believe! Those who abused, harrassed me! They can't hurt me anymore! I won't even let myself think about them anymore!! I went through one last AWEFUL attempt by him to destroy me last week; but he couldn't do it!! Elohim wouldn't let him!! I had taken the trash out earlier, so to speak, but it kept blowing back onto my lawn, despite my attempts to put it back into the bag. However, now the Trash Men have come and picked it up!! It is Gone!! I am FREE!!!

I haven't changed my mind about forgiveness and the 'after this life' beliefs. I'm just coming to understand better what that actually implies for me now though.

I'm FREE!!!

For All Parents

2011-05-23T16:42:00.000-04:00

Well, I never got on here on Mother's day, which I was going to do. So seeing as it is going on Father's day I will dedicate this to Mother's and Father's day. Anyone of you who is a parent knows how much of a blessing and a privilege it is to be a parent. But those of us who were abused, are especially scared that we will wind up making terrible mistakes, because of our past, even though we love our kids more than anything in this world! Don't be afraid - just go to the Eternal, your true Father and ask Him to help you, because He will!

On Mother's Day when I came downstairs I was welcomed to 'Happy Mother's Day Mom' from my kids! My daughter handed me a card she had made for me (the best kind)! My little six year old gave me some flowers he picked in the back yard (so sweet he is:)). And they all gave me another card and some flowers they had bought for me, a hanging basket of beautiful red flowers! I had a wonderful day with my family:)

I hope that you mothers out there in cyber space all had a wonderful Mother's Day too, and I hope that you fathers will have a wonderful Father's Day too! Enjoy your children; they grow too fast!

Remember, try to focus on the present and on them, as much as possible forget your awful past and enjoy their beautiful childhood today! Today is really what matters!!

2011-05-21T21:47:00.000-04:00

I'm a turtle without a shell.
I'm an eagle without wings.
I hold up my hands and cry out
My God, Come to help me!
Do not forsake me ever more!

Help me when I cry
I plead, I bleed!
My heart fails me for fear!
My eyes weep rivers of tears
How can I bear up under
this load so over-bearing?

My enemies taunt me!
They jeer at me!
Without fear they besmear
my name, my image, ME!
Will you not see from heaven?

Yes, I recall Your mercies!
I remember all of Your love!
I know You God will not
forsake Me! You will come
to help me! I will OVERCOME!

FOCUS ON FORGIVENESS!

2011-05-02T17:42:00.002-04:00

May 1 - 7 is Canadian Mental Health Week, and even though I'm not a Canadian, I think it's a good time to observe it! I've discovered an article that might be of interest to some of you. You can find it at - http://www.portagedailygraphic.com/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=3103649 - entitled "Mental Health Week activities include focus on theme of Forgiveness", by Angela Brown.

Have a great week my friends!!

Grieving the Dead

2011-04-29T19:26:00.000-04:00

He's dead.
She's dead.
He's dead and he's dead.
If I forget in my dread,
I must remember
that they are dead.

There is a calmness now.
There is no hurt.
There is peace.
Justice will reign in the end,
the end that has no end.

This is Dedicated to the Repentance of my Abusers!

2011-04-29T12:25:00.000-04:00

This may sound like a very strange post indeed at first, but I think it will help me to post it; and, hopefully it will help you too!! This post is dedicated to the repentance of my abusers! I believe that they will all be called to repentance one day. At that time they will have the choice of repentance or eternal death. I know that the Eternal wants all to choose life, and so that is what I want to. I hope one day they choose repentance and reconciliation with Him and me. So please if you read this G.S., D.H., or anyone else who may get access to it that is on the wrong path now, choose to go the right way:). I forgive G.S., D.H., A.E., R.S., S.A., D.H., E.T., J.T. and some others, some I can't even remember their names now, but I do remember what they did. I wish that I could forget. One day I will forget forever!! I will have a new mind, and none of the old traumatic memories will be remembered!! And none of the people who choose to abuse will be allowed to live in that kingdom; they will have chosen eternal death, and so will be forgotten. But, I hope and pray that that happens to no one! I forgive and have tried reconciliation; now I must just forget them and wait on the Eternal to take care of the rest, as only He can!

Maybe you can just forget about your abusers in time too. I know it's wishful thinking. But the reality is that memories do become less focused as time goes on and as we try hard to meditate on other things, and as the Eternal heals us!

Have faith my friends, and overcome!!

How I Know I Will Be Healed!!

2011-04-23T18:39:00.001-04:00

How do I know I will one day be healed from my PTSD, OCD, periodic depression and anxiety? Why am I so confident that I will overcome it, that I have hope for the future without these problems? I didn't ever really say the real reason, because I thought perhaps it might offend some (and I want everyone to feel welcome on this blog - because everyone is!) However, it is not just by my strength of mind that I am going to overcome these psychological challeges I have, and have had for as long as I can remember - starting with child abuse. I will overcome though with the help of the eternal. He is my true father! He is helping me and will see me through! He will never let me fall! My strength, that people have told me that I have - is NOT my own - it is what HE gives to me every moment of everyday! He is LOVE, LIFE - I am breathing, my heart is beating because of Him! And, He will never leave me! I've had lots of fair weather friends, but not Him. He is the only one who will never, ever leave me and has never let me down! He is always here! And He has all of the answers in His book, if I look, and am patient enough to sit and quietly listen.

Have a wonderful day everone! May the Ever Living One bless you richly with His love and healing, as you also do your part at overcoming!!

Faith Hoffen

Just an aside -

2011-04-09T20:36:00.000-04:00

When I post about an article, usually I am directing you just to that article alone; I am not supporting anything else on the site. So, for instance when I posted about the article "Building resilience in a Turbulent World", I was only endorsing that article and not anything else on that website.
F.H.

Peace, Faith, Healing

2011-04-09T20:29:00.000-04:00

In order to heal from PTSD, Depression, OCD... you need to have peace and also faith that you can be healed. If you don't believe that you will be healed - you won't. You must have inner peace and faith inside yourself to be healed. You must let go of bitterness, resentment, rage and revenge and focus on calm and tranquility. Don't hang on to the tsunami that has been like a fury inside of you; meditate on the calmness of the gently lapping waves of the Caribbean. Look through the crystal clear water all the way to the bottom, - so peaceful, so calming. It's like a dream. You can be healed:) You will be healed!:) Just feel the sand and the cool water on your feet, - and let it all go...

Being Grateful Can Help to Eliminate Depression!

2011-04-05T20:38:00.002-04:00

If you suffer from depression, which is one thing I have suffered from, being grateful can help to eliminate it! It is not a panacea, as nothing is a cure all. However try to think about everything you have to be thankful for and even write it down. Thank people in your life for what they have done for you. Wait and see what it does for your mind! Check out this article by Roger Meyer entitled "An Attitude of Gratitude" - http://www.lcg.org/cgi-bin/tw/commentary/tw-comm.cgi?category=Commentary1&item=1291393506 It's a very good article!!

For Everyone I Have Known Who Has Now Passed Away

2011-04-05T19:08:00.002-04:00

There are many I have known who have now passed away. I dedicate this post to them. Some of them I knew better than others. Some were only babies. But, I loved them all! Sweet baby Jayden, how I wish I could hold you little baby! How I wish you were born healthy and at term my baby niece; I love you sweet thing:) Noah, I never got the chance to hold you. I touched you and looked at your beautiful baby face through the glass, and wished that I could have held you. I love you too so much my beautiful baby nephew! One day I will see you again:) A.j.E., sweet baby you are always my older brother who I never knew, but will always love. I can't wait to meet you someday!:) D.G. - you were a true friend, one willing to sacrifice your health to listen to another in her time of need. I didn't deserve a friend like you; but you were there for me. I wish I could have stopped your untimely death. Only God understands why that awful disease had to take your life early. But I will see you again, this time in perfect health - as a spirit being! My mother D.W. was a real mother to me. She and her family took me in when I didn't have a 'real family'. She really loved me and I her. She had colon cancer. It broke my heart when she died, but she is in my memory and I will see her again too!! One of my best friend's father - B.B. I went to church services with them almost every week. They were all like family to me. When he passed away, it seemed so odd - like losing a Dad. As I wouldn't consider mine one. Both of my grandfathers, M.S. & M.E. The relationship with both of them was kind of strange, but nonetheless, they were my grandfather's by blood, and so I want to mention them here. There were occasions when they were o.k. Few, occasions they were, but yet, some I remember. My Grandmother - J.S., there was a time when I was very attached to her. Then there was a time when she differed with me on our beliefs, both her brother and I, and then things weren't the same. But I still loved her very much. I will see her in good health the next time I see her again!:) My uncle M.W., who died from lung cancer. He died so suddenly. It seemed that he had just gotten sick and suddenly he was dead. It was so awful. He was such a positive and humorous guy, always smiling. At least he's not suffering and the next time I see him he will be healthy!:) My mother-in-law she lived a good long life. She was around 80 when she died. At least she didn't suffer long. She had been very mean to me most of my life. But, my husband said that she said some nice things about me at the end. I know she was sorry at the end even though she couldn't say it. I'll see her in the future and then it will be alright!:) I love all of these people, and even some more who I can't even remember their whole initials, or who I don't know that well, but knew through my husband and so want to honor as well here. Also, I would like to honor some people here who I might never hear from again in this lifetime. We are now estranged because of the paths that they have chosen. Some day I hope to be reconciled with these people, just like with the ones who have died, but hopefully sooner. Meanwhile I am traveling down the road that I must travel - and I have a peace that passes understanding, and joy!:) Life is in this path!! Won't YOU join me?!!!:)

Build Resilience!

2011-04-05T18:47:00.002-04:00

Are you building resilience? Perhaps you already have Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, but you can still build resilience to overcome it, and you can help your children to build resilience so they don't develop it in their lifetimes, in spite of what life might hold in store for them in the future. Back in 2008 I posted about this with a link to an article by Gina Stepp entitled "Building Resilience in a Turbulent World". Here is a link to that article - http://www.vision.org/visionmedia/article.aspx?id=5816 . It is a very good article I would recommend you check out. Take care my friends, and build RESILIENCE!

There is HOPE; I am recuperating/recovering!

2011-03-31T20:30:00.002-04:00

I had my surgery on Tuesday the 29th. It's over and the doctor said it went well. I am in a LOT of pain though, and am using the pain med. he gave me - have to! He said I will need two weeks to recuperate. I definately believe it. But, if that means that after that I will no longer feel like I'm sitting on a knife - I will be VERY HAPPY to have had the surgery!!! Then it will be worth the pain now. Also, another good thing happened I didn't mention before; two days before my surgery, on the 27th, my husband and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary!! He is my best friend! I'm glad we have each other:) We've gone through bad and good times together, but through it all we're still together, and for that I am so happy!!!:) I've had a lot of friends - fair weather friends leave me - because a pastor told them to...those are NOT friends. But, friends are ones who stick with you no matter what gossip goes around, in spite of someone putting you down. My family is who really matters to me, and my REAL friends, are the ones who are with me through thick and thin, who don't listen to someone talking about me, but come to me if they want to find out what happened. I forgive my other exfriends, and one day hope and pray for reconciliation. If one of them should happen to get on my blog - I forgive you and want to be your friend again. In fact we can forget the past, because that is what forgiveness involves - repentance and then forgiving and forgetting. I love (agape) you all my friends. May the Eternal richly bless you in healing and overcoming until you are completely PTSD free!!!

Surgery on the 29th, being harrassed, still hanging on!

2011-03-07T10:37:00.003-05:00

Well, I have surgery on the 29th of this month. I won't bother to go into details because it has to do with a personal area of my body. It will correct two problems that have been causing me to bleed and causing me to have tremendous pain though. Thankfully the problem wasn't worse though. It is an outpatient surgery. Although they say I will be in awful pain for awhile after.

Also, another thing is I am still being harrassed by the ex-pastor I had mentioned quite a long time ago. He is still in the process of telling anyone who asks or talks about me, not to talk to me again. I don't know what evil gossip he is spreading, but I'm losing some people I thought were good friends. However others are still with me. I guess it just shows who were really friends and who weren't. Still, it hurts. And it hurts that I trusted him with my personal information, and I trusted that he cared about me when he really didn't. I forgive him though.

I don't know what goes through the mind of someone like that. I don't really understand an abuser, be it emotional or physical, except that they are caring about themself rather than thinking about the other person. They are thinking about protecting their power, and protecting what they have, their reputation... They totally do NOT think about the person they abuse at all. They have no empathy - that's how they can do it.

So, understanding them, helps me a little to be able to forgive. I do forgive them. I do forgive him, even though he is still doing this to me. I have to to have peace of mind. Also, I know that God won't let him get away with it. There will be a day of reckoning. People don't get away with what they do. Eventually you reap what you sow.

I really hope one day we all can have reconciliation though. I hope for a world full of peace and love. I have faith that that day will come. I know it might sound ridiculous. But, it isn't. Those are my religious beliefs. I have faith that day will come!

By the way, I think he might have access to my blog, so if he does, this is for him - 'I forgive you, I want to reconcile with you, I love you, and I really mean that!'

Keep working on overcoming your PTSD my friends! You will overcome, just don't give up!!

Two Websites that May be of Interest to You!

2011-02-18T15:58:00.003-05:00

I've been contacted by a couple of people offering access to their websites for us. Both of these websites are very good! One or the other of them, or both may help you a great deal - so please feel free to check them out! One was from Roxanne McAnn and the article you will find there is called "50 Natural Antidepressants to Beat the Winter Blues" It is at http://www.nursingschools.net/blog/2011/02/50-natural-antidepressants-to-beat-the-winter-blues/ The other website is from Tracy Curtis at The Social Security and Disability Resource Center. The web address is http://www.ssdrc.com/ I hope these websites help you out! In fact I think they may help me!

Well, I've got to go now, I'm having pain. I'm on more medicine since I went to the doctor yesterday. And, sitting in this chair isn't helping any.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Should We Seek Revenge?

2011-02-16T21:55:00.002-05:00

I guess this question I ask, is stemming from my last post. Should we seek revenge from our abusers? I suppose you would guess my answer - absolutely not! It would only serve to continue making you feel badly, and prohibit you from healing from your PTSD. You know, continuing the cycle of revenge and retaliation is what causes the fighting, and warring on this planet.

We must be the peacemakers in our own little worlds, if we want to have peace within ourselves. Just yesterday on Facebook I had a chance to practice the 'soft answer drives away wrath'. It didn't work after one try. It didn't even work after the second message. But, with each message I sent her she became nicer and nicer, until she finally apologized, and then in her last message to me she said that she was glad that I was her loving friend - and that - coming from someone who previously had told me to get off my OWN wall! You see harsh words will only bring about harsh words in response, at least in most people! But a soft word, will usually lighten a situation up. Of course she wasn't a child abuser, just a grouchy mean woman - at least that day:) And I worked on it until she changed. So, I'm not saying that you can do that with a person who abused you physically; not at all! However, we do not have to seek revenge either. We can just avoid the abuser. That is what I have to do. We have to do our best to put them out of our minds. We have to do our best not to think about the abuse. If we don't, meditating on it will destroy us.

My friends - please don't ever consider revenge or retaliation in any form towards your abuser. Try your best to put them and what they did to you out of mind. That is your ticket to healing!!!

We Need Forgiveness and Love to Heal

2011-02-15T12:24:00.005-05:00

This is a touchy subject for some, but for those of us who KNOW it is so true! We must forgive and love in order to heal! It's true. It does NOT mean that the people who abused us will not have to repent and change. Absolutely not! Someday there will be a day of reckoning. Those are my beliefs. Those who have abused must face what they did at some point. They must deal with it. They won't get away with it!

What I'm talking about with forgiveness is this though - we have to be ready to be reconciled with that person who abused us if and when in the future he/she does repent. We have to go on with our lives leaving the abuse in the past as much as we can. We must not retaliate or seek revenge. We must leave that for the Eternal. However, that being said, sometimes there might be an instance where we might have to take someone to court, for severe injustice (it depends on circumstances). But, even if we do, after that we must then leave our damaged feelings, as much as is possible, in the past. I say this because I know from personal experience that severe emotional pain that continues endlessly, perpetual sorrow, rageful hate, bitterness inside - only serves to destroy yourself.

Believe it or not a pastor, who severely retraumatized me, told me that I didn't have to love my father. I was shocked. He was the one who severely abused me. But, I had always heard and read in the Bible that we are to 'love our enemies', and 'honor our parents'. Now of course it was extremely hard for me to do that! But, I knew he was wrong. And, it also should have given me an idea right then that he was not a true pastor. I know the truth. Even if you don't have the feelings of love for someone you must love your enemies. What do I mean by that? Well love is a verb. It is an action word. It is what you do. 'Do unto others what you would have them do unto you'. Feelings, even if not right away, eventually somewhere down the line, will follow action. Just do it! You will be surprised at how much better you feel!

Maybe everything I have said here sounds like something crazy. Maybe it sounds like something you heard as a child at church - and you don't want to hear it anymore. But have you tried it? For those of us who have, we KNOW IT WORKS! Please just give it a try!

FORGIVE AND LOVE! IT WORKS! YOU WILL HEAL IN TIME! MAY THE ETERNAL HELP YOU!

My Health is Improving!

2011-01-29T20:51:00.002-05:00

Believe it or not - for some of you who have been following this blog, my health has been improving! I call it a miracle! For, that is what it is!! I have no other explanation! I was having terrible pain! But, many people were praying for me and I of course was praying for myself - and the pain has diminished greatly! It is not constant. I do not think that I am going to have to take the doctor's advice about going to a surgeon now. He suggested that the pain was probably coming from scar tissue, which would need to be removed, or that maybe I was allergic to the mesh in my body. I don't want a 9th surgery - and now it is not looking like I will need one! I am still taking pain medicine at times, the pain is not completely gone - but I am trying alternative methods of dealing with this situation too. I think I can avoid another surgery!! That is a big relief! And, it makes me think -- maybe, just maybe I can KICK this PTSD too!! I won't give up!! I'm not a quitter!! I'm going to keep going until I overcome it all - if at all I can!! I hope all you my friends in cyberspace will too!! Keep going - - keep overcoming your challenges!! You'll get there!!

We Have to Keep Going!

2011-01-08T20:07:00.003-05:00

I've been in a lot of pain lately. I have pain from my lower left abdominal/groin area on down. At this point I have a colonoscopy scheduled for the 21st, but am on the waiting list, in case something opens up sooner. The doctor thinks that scars from my previous surgeries (I've had 8, which I've mentioned on this blog before) have caused a blockage and the pain I'm experiencing. We should know after the colonoscopy, and then they should be able to do something about that.

Anyway, I've been dealing with this pain and my PTSD, which had been so much better, but just lately became worse again. Maybe some of you are going through tough times too? But, we have to keep going! Remember there is always HOPE! As long as there is life, there is HOPE! It will get better! I have faith!

Happy 8th Day of Hanukkah!

2010-12-08T10:57:00.002-05:00

Happy 8th Day of Hanukkah! I haven't posted for awhile. I've been ill. I went to ER a couple of days ago. Unfortunately they weren't able to discover the cause of my pain. So, I'm going to have to wait for the appointment I have set up with the gastroenterologist. I have some pain medicine but it doesn't hardly help at all.

Anyway, I want to try to focus on the bright side of things in spite of my pain. There is light at the end of the tunnel. And tonight we get to light all of the Hanukkah candles! And we think about the miracles of Hanukkah! Also, I think about the miracles that have happened in my life, and the one I'm still waiting and working on - overcoming Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, and physical healing too of the illnesses/injuries related to the abuse I suffered.

Hold on to Hope and Faith and Love everyone - those will keep you going!:)

My Baby is Six Now!!:)

2010-11-29T18:04:00.002-05:00

I am so blessed to have three children! I thank God for them all, and for a loving husband! I had a rotten abused childhood and was bullied throughout school, and still emotionally in a church by a pastor ... There has been much that has gone wrong in my life, and still much that I suffer. I still am in pain in two of my previous surgery areas. I'm afraid that I'm going to have to go back to the doctor. However, I do have to look at the bright side too. I do have the blessing of my children! Today my youngest son turned six! I can't believe how time flies! I have to enjoy my children while I have them with me. Too soon they may be adults and out on their own. I so love my children! I still homeschool my two youngest children too, my daughter who is 10 and my son who is now 6. My oldest who is 12 goes to a school of our choice. He has a learning disorder - but is getting help for it. We feel it is best for him.

Enjoy your blessings everyone! Those of you with children - enjoy them now; they can be the childhood you never had!:)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

2010-11-24T16:49:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my countrymen and women!!! And also Happy Thanksgiving to all of you who would like to celebrate it!! This is the time that most of us think about what we are thankful for; at least we should. One common thing that usually comes up is that we are thankful for our families. This is a holiday that we enjoy celebrating with our families. Even if we can't celebrate it with some of them because we are estranged from them now, we have our immediate family that we celebrate it with, or some of us celebrate the holiday with friends who we consider our family. All of that is very good and something we should be very grateful for. Don't forget to be grateful this Thanksgiving amidst the turkey and football and parades... Thank God for what you have, and your family for being there for you!:) It will help everyone feel great!! It is good to be grateful!!:)

Also, I would like to thank you my friends on this blog for visiting here, and for your comments!:) Happy Thanksgiving!:)

Build the Wall!

2010-11-05T18:08:00.002-04:00

Sometimes you have to build a wall between you and your adversaries - the ones who have or are abusing you. When someone is hurting you emotionally or otherwise, build that wall! Make it strong, wide, high; build that wall so sturdy that no one on the other side will ever stand a chance of dreaming of ever getting through or over it!! Station guards if you can as well. They don't deserve to ever dream of hurting you again! We have our rights!! We have our rights to be free of abuse; we have our rights to be free of abuse in our own minds!! We must build the wall in our minds! In our minds, is where we build the wall. Don't let the abusers come into your mind and make you feel bad. A lot of times I've felt badly even when the abusers weren't there anymore. I must not do that! Otherwise they control and affect my whole life. I'm taking back my life! It's mine! It is NOT their's! My WALL is built, and the abusers are on the other side; I can't see them, hear them and they can NOT cross it, EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

Good luck building your walls my friends!!!:) Just do it!!!

Our wonderful trip to Missouri for Sukkot!

2010-10-09T22:53:00.002-04:00

Our family traveled to Missouri for the Feast of Tabernacles or Sukkot recently. We had such a rejuvenating, inspiring, wonderful time we didn't want to return! Ah well, we had to of course. I sure am glad for that time though, I needed it. It will help me through another year.

We all must have HOPE for coping with traumatic stress. We all must have hope to overcome our PTSD, OCD, anxiety disorders, depression, etc. I have that HOPE and FAITH that I will overcome! I also believe YOU can too! Don't give up, believe you can and will! Reach out for what you do not have! Go for it! LOVE will see you through!

My Oldest Son's in a New School Now!

2010-09-14T14:39:00.002-04:00

My oldest son, who is 12, started school in a school of choice this year. He is in 6th grade. I had been homeschooling him up until this year, and still do homeschool our other two children. However, we decided that this year it was in his best interest to put him in another school. He has Pervasive Developmental Disorder, and it has been a challenge for him and me to homeschool him. So, we went in before school started and sat down with the principal, special education director and teacher and discussed a plan for the school year. They all seem very nice and cooperative. So far everything seems to be working out fine. He is struggling a little, but it's only the second week of school. I think it will all work out.

Anyway, my life has been extra busy running him back and forth and homeschooling, etc., plus I just started a new medicine two weeks ago, and I'm still fighting depression and flashbacks, so that is why I haven't been on here in awhile.

Anyway, I'm still here!:) I hope all of my friends are still too, and that you all are still holding on to hope for your futures and overcoming your obstacles to healing!

D.G. You Left a Hole in My Heart

2010-08-28T23:16:00.002-04:00

D.G. I love you, as I know you loved me like a brother. You left a hole in my heart you know, when you left us. I know it wasn't your fault, it was the awful disease. It took you too young. You didn't have a chance to live your life. You were just a boy, in your twenties. No one should die that young. It's just the way things are in this world. It stinks! It really does! But, I want to say that you are my hero! I didn't get a chance to say how much you meant to me when you were alive. I wish I did. So, I will say it now. I LOVE YOU D. G.! YOU ARE MY HERO! Thank you for being there for me when I needed a friend! Thank you for listening to me when I needed an ear. Thank you for being the shoulder I could cry on.

I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN D. G.! And, when I do, you won't have a disease. You will be healthy! We will be happy to see one another again.:) By the way, my husband and I are raising 3 beautiful children and trying to be the hero for them that you were for me!

Things I'm Thankful For

2010-08-18T11:56:00.002-04:00

I have a new therapist, which I don't think I've mentioned here. I couldn't afford the other one, even though she was good. Now I have a good one at the Women's Center, and based on my income - which is $0 now - because I'm not working - is free! Anyway, she asked me at our first visit what I hope to accomplish from these sessions, and I said I want to eliminate depression and PTSD and find JOY!

One of the tasks she gave me to do that is to think about and write down what I am thankful for. Here are some things I am thankful for: my children, my husband, my friends, my new church friends, my therapist, that my oldest child was accepted to a school of our choice, that I can homeschool my two youngest children, my home, my car, my husband's job, my ability to write, that I've written a book (under a pseudonym), my blog, our pets, and I'm sure I could think of lots of others, but for now I'll leave it at that.

What are you all thankful for? Please comment and let me know? I'd love to hear from more of you.:) Being thankful does help to bring us joy!

LOVE IS ALL WE NEED

2010-08-02T14:39:00.002-04:00

Love is all we need; the kind that keeps the 10 commandments of real love.
Over and above just doing the basics is what it's all about.
Very troubled this world is; totally the opposite from what I'm speaking of.
Everyone must look to the Eternal for this kind of love; it is only from Him.

It's hard to believe it can ever be right? Even pastors have hurt me deeply!
Surely you must be kidding, there is no such love really, is there my friend?

All of us need that kind of love. Without it we will die eternally, forever.
Love keeps us going when everything else is wrong, it keeps us strong.
Love, real love gives life to everything. God is love. That is all!

We must believe that there is love, that someone else has that love inside too.
Every day I pray that He will guide me to experience that kind of love.

Never give up hope, faith and love, no matter how much you've been hurt!
Every time you fall, get up! Keep trying! Keep going! No one can keep you down!
Every time the evil one throws in a stumbling block, go around it! Don't stumble!
Don't give up on healing one step at a time, and on growing, you will! Keep going!

Kill me gently?

2010-07-31T22:18:00.002-04:00

Kill me gently,
I mistrust you see.
If you must hurt me
do it quickly.

I've been hurt too many times.
I will never ever trust you.
You must start slowly with me.
Give me some attention and love.

We will see, can our relationship
develop into something at all?
Or will it fall, like all of the rest,
into nothing, at all?

It's hard to imagine that
you will be my true friend.
Everyone else has been false.
Fair-weather, if at all.

I want a real friend,
but I'm afraid.
Please be here
for me, as I will for you.

I can only try.
I can not lie.
I am scared.
You will hurt me.

Yes, you will hurt me too.
You will won't you?
Don't go away! Please stay!
I am only who I can be.

If you must hurt me,
do it quickly.
If you must kill me,
do it gently.

I've written this poem because I know this is the way a lot of people who have been abused feel. I in fact have in the past struggled against these very feelings. There is a part of you that wants so badly to make friends, but another part of you that is afraid to be hurt again. You want to enter intimate relationships but are afraid to do so. You want to trust people with 'your story', but are afraid of rejection again. If you feel that way, I have been there too. Sometimes I still fight those feelings. But, just remember, I did it and have found good solid friends! Some were fair-weather friends, but others were indeed good friends. Don't give up, whoever you are either!

911

2010-07-20T20:10:00.003-04:00

IF YOU'RE SUICIDAL, DON'T WAIT CALL
RIGHT,
NOW!

Hope is...

2010-07-19T21:34:00.002-04:00

Hope is a beautiful sunset,
ending one and beginning another day!
Hope is a shooting star,
so bright to light the night!
Hope is the sunshine,
giving life to our planet.
Hope is a smile,
that brightens your day!
Hope is a young child,
new life always brings new opportunity.
Hope is TODAY,
yesterday is gone.
Hope is GIVING IT YOUR ALL;
there is no hope for half-hearted.
Hope is NEVER GIVE UP;
we're not quitters!

Going through a hard time - but things will get better!

2010-07-12T22:44:00.002-04:00

Well, I've stopped one of my medications - it was causing me to gain weight and I really wanted to lose. However now I can't sleep very long at night and I'm more anxious, having more flashbacks, and more depressed. Plus my other main medicine I take hasn't yet been approved by my husband's new worse insurance. So far though luckily my doctor has been giving me free samples. As I said though I'm not feeling right because of the lack of the one medicine. I think I'm going to talk to her tomorrow about it. I just can't go on like this. It's got to get better.

I've got to be hopeful, things will work out! It will all work out! I appreciate your thoughts and prayers my friends:) I hope you are doing well too:)

Happy Independence Day!

2010-07-04T11:27:00.002-04:00

To all of my American friends - have a happy and safe Independence Day!!:) To all of my friends have a happy and safe day!!:) No matter what you do today please enjoy yourselves and be safe!:)

My family is going to have a barbeque and go to see the fireworks! I love fireworks!

I hope you all do something you love to do today too! Enjoy yourselves and do something fun; you deserve it! I know I do after all the work I've been doing on my PTSD!

Had fun camping with my daughter!

2010-06-28T22:08:00.003-04:00

Last weekend my daughter and I went camping! We had a lot of fun and I greatly needed that after the rough week before that. It had been a severely depressing and stressful week, so when the weekend came and I had the chance to camp with my daughter it was great! We went swimming and boating and sung around the campfire and made smores with the other girl scouts etc. The only thing we didn't like was the spiders. We transferred in the middle of the night from a tent to a cabin because of a wolf spider above our heads; we hate spiders! Anyway, we had a great time:)

I hope you guys in this hemisphere are also having a wonderful summer!

My son's 12th year birthday party!

2010-06-16T14:58:00.002-04:00

On the 14th was my oldest son's 12th year birthday party. We had fun:) I can't believe he's getting that old already. Anyway, it was a big stress reliever that a certain someone didn't show up this time! We went to the lake and to the mall and I made him a flag cake. His birthday happens to fall on flag day so I made him an American flag cake with blueberries and strawberries and piped on icing stars. He enjoyed himself, so that was the important thing. He also got some gifts he wanted and some spending cash.

Well, have a great day everyone, and have fun!:)

Interview

2010-06-12T21:21:00.002-04:00

For all of you interested in checking this out, I've submitted my interview with Blog Interviewer .com at http://bloginterviewer.com/family/hope-for-coping-with-traumatic-stress-faith-hoffen Thank you Mike Thomas for the interview! If any of my friends would like to vote for my blog I would greatly appreciate it! Thank you!:)

Have a great evening everyone!:)

Life God Has Given!

2010-06-09T20:09:00.002-04:00

Life God has given!
Beautiful He has made all!
Wonder it inspires!

I am pretty too.
I know this even with scars.
From trauma they are.

They don't go away.
But, God made me beautiful!
I marvel at life!

How can it be thus?!
We are wonderfully made!
It's a miracle!

So, hold on to hope
even in your darkest hour!
He will see you through!

Life is a Gift from Above

2010-06-03T23:08:00.003-04:00

Life is a gift!
It's a gift from above!
What I desire for you
my friends, is that
life's glow radiate
outward, ever outward
from your very being!

Let love emanate from
your heart deep within,
after it comes from above
like a dove! That is what
I desire for you my friends!

But first, listen. We must
forgive. Forgive? Yes. That
is a necessary element in
life and really living,
and in love!

Don't just be a survivor, be a THRIVER!

2010-05-31T20:21:00.003-04:00

I'm not just a survivor, I'm a thriver! I'm not just barely surviving, in survival mode still. I have my blog. I've published a book. I started a PTSD support group. I'm homeschooling my children, and teaching Spanish. I have been successful in these things. In spite of child abuse I haven't been destroyed. It almost destroyed me, but I picked up the pieces of my life - with the help of the Eternal - and I marched on to where I am today. Sure I still have the lingering effects of PTSD and depression; I'm not completely 100% healed. To be honest, I don't know what would happen if I stopped taking my medicines, but I have come a long way!

What about you? How far have you come? How ever far you've come or haven't I've been there too! All of us with PTSD have. Don't get discouraged. Don't compare yourself with anyone. Simply reach for THRIVING, not just surviving. Don't let the abusers win! Don't give in! Go for your best! Go for the best you can do, the best you can be!

Choose to be Positive!

2010-05-20T20:48:00.002-04:00

I've decided to choose to be positive! How about you? We can choose to be positive in spite of whatever situation we're in. We can choose our thoughts. It may be a struggle. It may be hard to do. It may especially be hard if we are prone to flashbacks, or obsessive or anxious, or depressed thoughts, but we can choose our thoughts! We must choose today, in fact right now, to think positive, happy thoughts, or we will continue to suffer! Just do it!!

So, what positive, happy thoughts are you thinking?!:)

Take care of your motherly self and your inner child today (Mother's Day)!

2010-05-09T15:21:00.002-04:00

Don't forget to take good care of your mother today! I'm not just or only talking about your real physical mothers (some of us didn't have good mothers); I'm talking about ourselves. We have an inner child right?! Well then we are also our own mother. We take care of ourself. Let's take good care of our inner child and also good care of our motherly self today too. We need to mother ourself, nurture ourself, and just plain take good care of ourselves today. We all need to do that sometimes. It is necessary to rejuvenate ourselves. We have to take care of ourselves in order to be able to take care of anyone else. We as women sometimes tend to forget that, men too. But, today especially, nurture and lavish yourself with tender loving care! You only have one motherly self!

The Most Powerful Therapy is LOVE

2010-04-27T17:24:00.003-04:00

The most powerful therapy is love! Everyone needs to receive love in order to live. It is a fact, proven by much research. We are social beings and in order to give love we have to first receive it. One very good book I'm almost through reading now is "The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog" by Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz; I very much recommend it.

I hope everyone who visits this blog feels the LOVE I have for humanity, and especially for those afflicted with PTSD, depression and anxiety disorders. Please visit here often and feel free to leave any comments:)

Have a great week!

I Am Finally Free From My Student Loans!!!

2010-04-16T12:47:00.002-04:00

I am finally free from my student loans! A couple of days ago I received in the mail a Conditional Total and Permanent Disability for my student loans from the Education Department! I couldn't hardly believe it. As long as I don't work and earn more than the poverty level for a two person family for each of the next three years I will be completely FREE from that HUMUNGOUS debt I owed. It won't be hard to do as I haven't been able to work outside the home, due to my depression and PTSD for the past 12 years. So to have them off my back is a HUGE LOAD OFF!!

We had a celebration!!! I took all my student loan bills outside that night and burned them all up in a big bonfire, while drinking a little wine to enjoy watching them all go up in flames!!!

Have a GREAT WEEKEND EVERYONE!

I Love Spring!

2010-04-14T12:46:00.003-04:00

Don't you just Love Spring?! Where I live it's like, yes! We can finally come out of our cocoon!! We can finally go outside and enjoy nature! Things start to come alive! Things aren't so dead anymore. Have you all heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder? Well, it really does tend to make one more SAD, around these parts, where the sun rarely shines until April, and it's so bitterly cold, at least it seems that way to me (I have Raynaud's).

I think I'd better make some time to get outside with my kids and their dog today and enjoy the beautiful weather - beautiful sunshine:).

Enjoy spring those of you in this hemisphere! Enjoy the sunshine while you have it!:) And even if you don't, smile! Smiles are sunshine too!:)

Suffering from Bad Depression but Coping and Hoping!

2010-04-08T21:21:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I almost went back into the hospital I was so depressed. But, I didn't. My children need me. I'm hanging in here! I keep hanging on and doing things, keeping busy, teaching them... I even got my hair dyed today!:)

I may have to change medications, or drop or add a medication. Also I got put on a waiting list for the Women's Center here, so I can see my psychologist and another intern as well during each month, as it's just too expensive otherwise.

Plus, I do have to look at some positive things - I did publish my revised book, and I did finally have someone show up for a support group. I've had small beginnings, but beginnings none the less! It always helps to look for things to be thankful for, even small things, which sometimes are very important things - like my children!:)

Have a Happy Friday everyone!

Hope for the FUTURE!

2010-03-31T18:36:00.002-04:00

I just got back from my trip to Illinois for Passover. I was nice to get away for awhile and be with friends!

There is always this let down feeling upon coming back home again. But, that's just the way it is.

You know just as the Israelites were set free from there bondage in Egypt, we survivors have hope for the future of being set free from our bondage to PTSD! It will happen, if we work on it one day at a time! He will take care of the rest! The part we can't do, leave to Him, and do our part, and we will OVERCOME!

Hanging in There!

2010-03-17T21:25:00.002-04:00

I'm hanging in here as best I can, in spite of flashbacks, and dealing with difficult, extremely difficult (people that caused me retraumatization) people. Also, I've been having upper left arm and chest pain periodically. But, I'll be o.k. I will be alright. I have hope and faith I will be.

Anyway, I also want to recommend a book that has helped me. It is very hopeful and inspiring, in spite of the Complex PTSD of its author. The book entitled "My Life with Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (Rape With a Belt...), My Perseverance and Hope" written by Jo Estee Blanca can be found by going to http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/my-life-with-complex-posttraumatic-stress-disorder-%28rape-with-a/6499532?showPreview

Have a wonderful night and Thursday everyone!

Grieving Heals

2010-03-12T16:18:00.002-05:00

We have to grieve. We must grieve our losses. We need to grieve when loved ones die. We need to grieve when pets die. We even need to grieve the loss of our childhoods if we were abused and they were taken from us. We NEED to. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You need to! Tears are healing. Take as long as you need to heal. Sometimes you even need to grieve the loss of a friendship that is now over, due to abuse, neglect, etc....

Grieve your losses, deaths. Let the tears fall. Those tears are the water that will help your plant to grow come spring time.

May your grief lead to healing! May your tears lead to smiles! May your past continually lead to better tomorrow's!

When You Feel That You Are Your Own Worst Enemy

2010-03-06T20:40:00.003-05:00

When you feel that you are your own worst enemy, what do you do? What can you do when all your efforts seem to lead to self-sabotage? What should you do when you want to improve and heal, but instead you hurt and self-destruct? What should you do when you only desire peace but inside you feel war? What might you do when your deepest desire is love, but you only HATE yourself! You HATE YOURSELF for your failures. You hate yourself for who you've become from the abuse! You've tried very hard to change, but you still are not there! Why can't you be there yet?!

Here is my conclusion. It is the only conclusion that I have found. You are not really your own worst enemy, there is another, a spiritual one. Go to your Higher Power, The Highest Power! Go to God, Abba, Allah, YHWA, HaShem - the One True God - however you refer to Him. Seek peace, truth and what is right. Go with faith and hope for a better tomorrow and He will help with what you can not do.

Sometimes things are above our heads and we need help. Don't be afraid to seek it. Don't throw in the towel! Ask and you will receive! Have hope even to forgive yourself and heal!

Kitty's Death and Flashbacks...

2010-03-04T14:55:00.002-05:00

My kitty's dying brought on flashbacks of my father's abuse of my childhood cat. I've been very depressed lately, and haven't been able to post much. I am hanging on though. There are other very positive things going on too. I just have to keep looking for them. But, another thing dragging on me was that I had a little bit of Exposure Therapy - not deliberately - but it just happened that way; I happened to have to go down the street where I lived when I was sexually/physically abused. I went into this numbed out phase while there; it was weird.

Also, Tues. I have the EGD - where they do a surgery of putting a tube down my throat into my stomach to see what is causing my problems. Hopefully they find something out.

I'm choosing to look on the bright side:) There Will be a better TOMORROW! This I know!:)

I Did Have My Kitty Put To Sleep

2010-02-28T10:33:00.002-05:00

I did have my kitty put to sleep last Wednesday. We are very sad, but know that it is for the best. He was not able to digest his food and was getting way too skinny. I miss him.:( But we are o.k. with it. It had to be.

I am very sick too. I had almost completely lost my voice again with this cold/flu. Also, I've got sores all over in my mouth that hurt so bad to eat, and my left hand has been hurting for some reason. Also, sometimes when I cough I get this feeling that something inside of me is getting stuck down and it hurts so bad inside my abdomen. That is lower than the EGD is going though in my abdomen so I don't think they are going to find out what is causing that.:( Oh well.

We have to keep hanging on. We have to keep hanging on to hope. We have to keep hoping for the best.:) Times will get better!:)

My Kitty is Dying:(

2010-02-23T22:37:00.004-05:00

The reality is sometimes brutal. My kitty is dying. He is getting thinner and thinner even though he eats all the time. He just eats and then eliminates it right away. He is beginning to look like a skeleton, so I am going to have to have him put to sleep. I hate to have to tell my daughter about that though, as she is the one who loved him the most. I guess I will have to figure out a way.:(

On top of that I am sick. I've got some flu or cold germ that has left me with laryngitis so I can hardly talk. Also, what's worse is that I have been having nausea, abdominal pain and swelling and have had to reschedule the EGD that I had canceled last summer.

Anyway, brutal or not we must press on, there are positives in life too. We must focus more of our energy on those! We mustn't let the negatives define us, even though they are in our lives.

Life's Disappointments and Patience

2010-02-19T12:40:00.004-05:00

It's very hard to have patience when dealing with severe disappointments isn't it! It's hard to have patience when just living with the same frustrating things day in and day out and seeing no relief nor any remedy. It's hard to live with frustration and disappointment when nothing seems to go our way. It's hard to wait and have patience for things to change when there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of our tunnel or a change in our future, big or small.

We must have patience though and wait and hope. We must hope in faith for things to change and continue to do what we can even as we can't change everything. If we don't we will become discouraged, and that surely leads to a downward spiral into nothingness and depression. We must continue to look everyday for things to be grateful for and happy for. These things will keep us going and hanging on to life and hope!

My five things for the day that I am thankful for are: 1) My family (husband and children), 2) friends, 3) psychologist, 4) my ability to express myself in writing, 5) my relationship with the Eternal

What are you thankful for?

Love Heals

2010-02-14T16:16:00.004-05:00

We must be able to bear up under our sorrow, and not let it crush us or run away from it. We must be courageous to heal from the hurts inflicted from others. However we also mustn't let hatred destroy us. There is a verse from the Dhammapada, a Buddhist scripture which states:

"Hatred never ceases by hatred;
But by love alone is healed.
This is an ancient and eternal law."

There is a very moving story during the time of Pol Pot in Cambodia where thousands of voices that had every reason to hate instead chanted this verse.

Let's choose LOVE over hate. It's eternal. Hate brings death.

My New Psychologist

2010-02-11T18:05:00.002-05:00

I really like my new psychologist!:) I've added her website as a link you can go to on the right. I'll post it again here: http://www.dralison77.com/

Well, I've got to go. I've got too many kids and animals - ha, ha:)

Have a great Friday and weekend everyone!

SORROW LIKE THAT FOR DEATH

2010-02-08T19:11:00.003-05:00

"Is it not a sorrow like that for death itself when a dear friend turns into an enemy?" SIRACH 37:2 That quote is exactly the way I feel. I am grieving a friend, friend(s) perhaps, who I thought were friends anyway. I am grieving as if they had died:( Only in a way it is worse, this time, because other times I've lost friends who in the end, I knew still loved me, but these fair weather friends do NOT.

Remember the post I made back on Dec. 28 entitled "RETRAUMATIZED..."? Well, that is what I am referring to now. I just can't seem to shake it. In some ways he flashed me back to my father by his actions/his non-caring & neglect and emotional abuse.

The sadness aches deep inside me. Like a knife it cuts! I must go on though as if they never were. I must try to forget for now. There is nothing I can do to fix it. Life goes on. Others love me and I them. I have family and friends who are NOT fair weather friends. For them I continue my life! God is my LIFE. He gives and he takes away. Everything will be o.k. I have all I need. Even though I bleed, I know I have all I need! God will provide!

Thank you all my friends, who have stood by my side on this blog!:) Through life's rough and smooth places, there is still HOPE to COPE!

We Have to Keep Flying!

2010-02-05T12:56:00.002-05:00

We have to Keep flying!
No matter how much we're bruised
or feel like we're dying,
We have to keep trying.

Sometimes life is hard
and we feel crushed.
Yes our wings are distorted,
our feet were indeed crushed!

We will always carry the marks,
from the trauma of the past.
That will last and last.
But, we can still fly!
We can fly! Yes, we can, still fly!

We can fly, and that will do
more than just get us by.
Soon the flying will make us
stronger and stronger until
we are healed!!!

I'm Planning to Start a Support Group!

2010-01-28T21:58:00.003-05:00

I've put in an advertisement in the local weekly paper for a POSTTRAUMATIC STRESS SURVIVORS SUPPORT GROUP! I'm excited about it! I never thought I would be up to doing something like that, but I think I am now. The paper will go out Sunday, so we will see if anyone responds. It is free of course. It will help me to help them I think. Of course, I will let them know right away, that it's just for support and that I'm not a psychologist, therapist or qualified in any way for counseling and that the group is just for support of each other in our healing process, and that we should each see professionals for therapy.

If perhaps there is anyone reading this blog that is around the Lansing, MI area and is interested in coming to the support group - we will meet Thurs. from 7 - 8:30p.m. Feel free to email me for more information. Just go to my complete profile to get to my email address.

Have a great week everyone!

Faith Hoffen

Sometimes Things Aren't As Bad As We Expected

2010-01-21T14:33:00.002-05:00

Well, I am happy to say that my son's MRI came back negative! In other words they didn't find anything wrong with the MRI, yeah!! I was a little worried for awhile there, whew. Now, I can breath a sigh of relief about that at least.

Now we just have to try to narrow down the diagnosis from PDD-NOS to something a little more specific, or at the very least, get the very best help we can for him next year. Unfortunately, I'm afraid I will have to hand over the responsibility for teaching him to someone else next year. It's just getting to be too much for me. I've done what I could though for this long. So, I still think I can be happy and proud that I had the opportunity and challenge to do that. I am thankful for that, and yet ready to give over the responsibility to another teacher for next year.

Have a great day everyone. Remember, maybe things will not be as bad as you at first think they are. Also, be thankful! Be thankful for everything you have; it helps one's attitude a lot!:)

Take care my friends:)

Waiting a little bit anxiously.

2010-01-19T15:19:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm waiting a little bit anxiously on my oldest son's MRI from this morning. They said we could get the preliminary today. He is tentatively diagnosed with PDD-NOS, for lack of a better diagnosis. I just want to have a clear diagnosis and to be able to get the right help for him. I really just want to hear that everything was normal on his MRI.

I know worry doesn't help. So, I'll just pray and hope for the best. That is all I can do:) Thank you for your concern friends.

Have a wonderful and hopefully stress free day:) Remember to breathe...

I Can Truly Say I am Happy Right Now:)

2010-01-14T17:51:00.002-05:00

I can truly say that I am happy right now. Yesterday I went out to eat with my hubby for my birthday. My children - mostly my daughter - she's the artistic one - made me a beautiful card. They gave me a necklace with my name on it Faith and a bracelet - they're beautiful. It was a lovely day with my family.

Also the day before I saw my new psychologist for the first time and she was good. I like her. I think she will help me. I checked out some of her books until the next time I see her again, and she made copies of the book I am still editing (I am editing and adding more to it after all).

I can't say everything is perfect. It isn't. I was crying earlier today thinking about the retraumatization from the most recent counselor I had - my latest pastor. But, overall - things are going well.

And, I believe they will continue to get better!:) My friends I hope they do for you too!:)

Faith

Another Interesting Article about PTSD

2010-01-11T20:00:00.005-05:00

I've found another interesting article about Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. As you already know PTSD - caused by any perceived life threatening event - such as child abuse, war trauma...etc., is not just mental.

Please take a look at this article from CBS News entitled "Brain Scans Show PTSD Not Just Mental" at http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/11/10/health/main5600285.shtml It's a very inciteful article.

Keep learning; keep growing your new neurons!:)

Finally tomorrow is my appointment with my new psych.

2010-01-11T19:29:00.003-05:00

Finally tomorrow is my appointment with my new psychologist. I'm a little anxious. But, I've been waiting it seems forever for this appointment. It's been I think four weeks. I had to wait all through her vacation time before I could see her. However I think she will be the one. I think she will be a good one. I hope so. I've been through so many. I just finally want to be well.

On Wednesday I will be 41. I've been telling people that all I want for my birthday is to be PTSD - free. Really - it is true. That is what I want the most in life. I want to be well and healthy. My family wants it too I know. I hope that this psychologist can help me on the road to success with healing from PTSD and depression.

So, friends please hold me high in your thoughts tomorrow. Please remember me when I go to my new therapy appt. tomorrow evening. I hope, and I believe that it will be a good session:)

I hope you all have a good day tomorrow too:)

Happy Preparation Day!

2010-01-08T14:45:00.003-05:00

Happy preparation day! Today I am preparing for a day of rest. Sabbath keepers prepare for a day of rest that begins at sunset. Some people are preparing for rest from their normal work week. Everyone is preparing every day for something though, even if they don't know it aren't they?

Actually, even if we aren't preparing, we really are preparing aren't we? If we aren't preparing - we are preparing for failure. So, every day we are preparing for something. Let's give it our BEST. Whatever our hands find to do, let's do it with our might and to the best of our ability. That way we can be proud of our achievements and happy with the results, knowing that we didn't waste time, but that we prepared appropriately for whatever we might encounter ahead of us.

As long as we prepare to the best of our ability-- even if that preparing is to prepare to REST-- then no matter what happens, we know we have done our part, and we have succeeded with our talents. Whatever is beyond that - have FAITH - that it will be alright- and it WILL:)

Faith

Happy Wednesday!

2010-01-06T12:01:00.003-05:00

Let's all focus our thoughts as positively as we can today, and get over this hump of the middle of the week - Wednesday. Let's focus our thoughts on what is pleasing, on what is commendable, on what is excellent, and what is worthy of praise, and let's meditate on these things. If we see these things in nature or the things around us let's stop to consider them and appreciate them as blessings. If we notice them in ourselves, hey, stop and give ourselves a 'pat' on the back - we deserve it! If we notice these traits and aspects in others - praise them - perhaps you'll cheer them up:)

Have a happy Wednesday:)

HOW CAN WE ALL BE OF HELP TO THOSE WITH POSTTRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER?

2010-01-03T23:30:00.002-05:00

What is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder? What can we do to help others in our communities who suffer from it? First one must understand what Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is and what causes it. PTSD can happen after a person experiences intense fear, helplessness and horror from an overwhelming event which causes fear for their life or the life of someone else. Many, if not most people experience some trauma in their life. However, why some people and not others develop PTSD is affected by the intensity and duration of the trauma, whether there was physical hurt, how much control, if any the person had, how much help and support was received after, if any, and how much personal resilience was available for the person to draw on. Some traumas which can lead to the disorder include: witnessing or participating in acts of war, rape, child abuse, natural disasters, accidents or life threatening illnesses among other events. Even psychologists sometimes experience "secondary PTSD," for instance, and there have been documented cases of the children of Holocaust survivors being affected, although this is rare.

There are three main symptoms of PTSD which are exhibited to one degree or another by all sufferers. These are: 1) 'Flashbacks', otherwise known as intrusive memories, 2) Avoidance, and numbing, and 3) Hyperarousal. 'Flashbacks' involve reexperiencing the trauma. Certain triggers such as sounds, smells or even words can trigger this reaction.

Reliving the horror can be so traumatic for the sufferers that it leads to a second common symptom: 'avoidance' and 'numbing'. The traumatized person goes to great lengths to avoid those things that may trigger a flashback, even to the point of avoiding conversation which might lead to one.

In addition, the increased anxiety experienced in PTSD causes an emotional arousal which is in overdrive. This 'hyperarousal' causes sleep disturbances such as nightmares and insomnia, and emotional symptoms such as extreme irritability and overreactive anger, fear and shame. The shame, which can be overwhelming, may also lead to self-destructive behavior. Related problems often experienced include depression and mistrust of others. This mistrust may be reinforced by the fact that one trauma may lead to another. Bullies often pick out those who have been previously victimized; so the cycle continues.

Understanding the disorder may go a long way toward helping us reach out to those who suffer from it, but how can we put this understanding to action most effectively? One way to help is by being a community of people that looks and listens for the 'hurting person who wants to speak but can't seem to get the words out.' At the same time it's important to be aware that sometimes the individual will not want to talk about their experiences -- they merely need friendship. The critical thing is to be ready and willing to communicate uncritically.

In the event that a PTSD sufferer shares information about the triggers that cause their flashbacks, it is important to compassionately attempt to avoid actions or comments that might serve as such a trigger. PTSD victims will greatly appreciate the effort you put in to doing that.

Finally, it is important to realize that this is an illness like any other and that sometimes medication is required, just as for depression or any illness; it is NOT a sign of weakness - as some soldiers, and others, me included, in the past have thought. Medication is often necessary in order to enable PTSD suferers to function on a daily basis while they look forward to and work on healing. Those with illnesses such as PTSD are working hard to 'rewire' their minds, and they understand that it is hard work, that requires perseverance. The POWER that we don't have will be given to us eventually to overcome, if we seek it. It is a long and painful process, to which I can personally attest to. We have to have patience with one another, and we will make it happen!!!

So, I'm a hippie?! Ha, ha, But peace is where it's at!!

2010-01-03T12:53:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm wearing my shorter Faith necklace (it has my name on it, see:)), and a longer, really long Peace chain. My Faith necklace was given to me by a friend during a church communal meeting as a gift.

Unfortunately once when I was really angry and I thought she wasn't my friend any more, I lost it and broke the chain. However I was able to put the Faith pendant on another chain I have; so there you have it, I saved the Faith pendant and we also saved our friendship, because she is such a good friend that I didn't realize that it never was in jeopardy anyway. My bad, - just another one of my non-trusting episodes from PTSD. I felt so bad; but she is such a good friend - one hard to come by. She is one of those faithful ones, forever type.

Those are some of the most important things a person can have and develop in this life. Faithfulness (being trustworthy) and love, faith and peace. I'm still working on developing them to perfection. When I get there I'll let you know. Meanwhile, I'm still human:)

Brain Chemistry and PTSD

2009-12-29T22:57:00.002-05:00

I've found an interesting article that might be of help in explaining how PTSD affects people. If you have it or not it will be very informative to understanding what happens in the brain of someone with this disorder.

I know it is very hard for someone without the disorder to empathize, or understand why the survivor can't just 'get over it'. Perhaps this article will make that more clear.

I still believe that there is hope to be healed - for 'rewiring' one's mind. However, with someone in my shoes, who has never had a time when they didn't have PTSD (at least not that I remember), that will be all the more hard to do.

But, let's strengthen ourselves as best we can with the Knowledge to Overcome, and go Forward!

Here's the article for your review: http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Brain--Brain-Chemistry--And-PTSD

Be positive, you can do it!:)

RETRAUMATIZED - but starting to work my way out

2009-12-28T21:48:00.002-05:00

I just realized that I haven't posted on here about the fact that I have been RETRAUMATIZED. At this moment I won't go into detail. And, I probably won't ever give names. I just don't do that. As you have probably noticed, I keep things personal on my blog.

Anyway, let's say it's like this. Someone I really, really trusted and told a lot to in counseling - my pastor - let me down. In a moment of deepest and darkest depression (when I was suicidal) instead of helping and being there for me like he said he would, he abandoned me - in fact - he kicked me out of church. He told me not to return and not to talk to my friends there. It has been that way since.

Now, I had hoped that things would get better, that they would improve, so I waited in vain. You see, what he did was like totally DESTROYING, RETRAUMATIZING for someone with Complex PTSD. I had just told him in our previous counseling session that the very worst thing that could ever happen to me would be abandonment by someone I really cared about. And then the next thing I know that is what happened.

Anyway, I know I said some things I shouldn't have and wouldn't have if I didn't have PTSD, so I apologized, but he never did. He doesn't care; that is all. That is what I have to face.

So, now my Raynaud's is acting up again worse both because of the cold and because of the stress. Also, I've been having pain in my abdomen and groin area, and even in my upper left arm and chest. I've been taking aspirin which helps though. I really don't want to leave my kids in this world without me. They need their mother. Everyone needs a good mother, or mother type figure.

I hope today's post wasn't depressing for anyone; I guess we all need a 'pick me up' sometimes. It helps for me when I read your responses and also just to see you've read my posts. I hope that this blog can provide motherly care and advice sometimes for you:)

You Can't Fight Fire with Fire; You have to Fight Fire with Water

2009-12-26T19:29:00.002-05:00

You just can't do it; you can't fight fire with fire. You have to fight it with water. Anger is like fire, and it can quickly go out of control like fire too, if not kept under the correct conditions. But, when our anger - fire is out of control how do we put it out? Do we vent it? Does that help? Do we yell at the person we are mad at? Does that make the feeling of anger inside of us lessen? Do we punch things, does that make the hot feeling inside become cooler? Frankly, I have to tell you that for me - it doesn't. I'm afraid that it just doesn't, that's all. Sometimes I wish that something like that worked, but it doesn't because you can't fight fire with fire. It just makes it hotter, the more fuel you add to the fire. I can actually feel the chemicals inside my body when I get that angry, and venting hot anger does NOT help.

However, I think I've discovered what does help. Now, I'm not saying this is easy to do. Or that I've perfected it yet. But, I'm trying. Here is the water - (if you can imagine - maybe meditate on it) - that I'm talking about: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Can we inculcate all of those qualities on our minds in meditation, and try to BE that way. Perhaps if we have those qualities in increasing measure we will quench the fires in our lives. If we don't it will only burn us up, because sometimes there isn't anything else we can do but let the neighbors fire run its course. But, we can control our own.

Let's work on it shall we!:)

Do All You Can to Make Peace!

2009-12-21T16:27:00.002-05:00

We all want peace don't we?! Well if you don't, this isn't the blog site for you. We need peace. The world needs peace. And, deep down I think we all want peace, even if we are at war.

Maybe the war is in our families, our communities, our neighborhoods, even ourselves?! So, how do we make peace? It isn't just the absence of war. I'm sure you've all heard that one. Peace starts inside ourselves. If you don't have it inside yourself, you can't have it with others.

Sometimes there are rifts, arguments, differences of opinion, fights, battles, and then walls and bridges that seem insurmountable to the cause of peace. I'm not an expert on peace making. But I'm working on it. Sometimes you can't reconcile with others. The reason for that is because you only have control over yourself. You can want peace and to make amends and come half way and forgive... However, you can't make the other party do the same. That is why reconciliation is out of our hands. We can't make reconciliation happen. However, we can make peace. At least we can make peace inside ourselves. We can decide to be at peace - after trying all that we can to make amends - that we are going to be at peace inside. No one can control how we feel inside ourselves. Only we can control our own minds. We must do that!

Take control, and have peace inside yourself! Be at peace. Be calm. Let no one take that from you. You have the right to peace of mind! Give yourself the gift of PEACE! Share it with others willing to receive to:)

Happy Hanukkah - Festival of Lights!

2009-12-16T00:05:00.002-05:00

To all of my friends who celebrate it Happy Hanukkah! I know I'm a little late in getting on here to wish you all a happy chanukah, but we still have a few days left to celebrate it.

I've been doing my best against severe stress - (abandonment by some people I thought were very good friends, and some kind of back stabbing from them) - to enjoy the miracle of Hanukkah with my family. Tonight we did a family tradition - we made Chocolate Fudge Hanukkah Gelt Cake. Our kids always love putting the Gold covered chocolate coins all over on the cake:).

We don't always buy them presents but our daughter keeps begging for one, and we got one for our older son the other day, so now I guess we'll get her something little. We stress the miracles and having fun with the kids; that is important to us.

Have fun and enjoy your families this season everyone! Don't forget the miracle even of your family, and life itself!:)

New Website You Might Find Useful

2009-12-06T13:37:00.002-05:00

I've been introduced to a new website that you also might find very useful. I especially found the section about Anxiety Depression of interest as it pertains particularly to me. You may find other sections of special interest to you. Please check out the website at http://www.counselor.org. I am sure you will find much useful advice there.

Have a wonderful Sunday! Keep your chin up! And, keep walking!:)

THANKFUL FOR MY SON WHO JUST TURNED 5

2009-11-29T23:47:00.002-05:00

Life is hard, very hard. Every day has been like hell for so long. I wonder when it will get better. There are ups and downs. But there are way too many downs lately.

However, today was my youngest son's birthday. He is my joy! He just turned 5. I love him dearly. All three of my children are what keep me going a lot of the time. Sometimes it seems they are what causes a lot of the stress, ha, ha. But, really they are what keeps me wanting to get up in the morning and try again.

My little one is not a baby anymore. But he is still my 'baby' and I love him to pieces.:) I just hope that I can be the mother that he needs me to be and that my other children need me to be too. I must keep trying to heal and be well for them. Children need a mother. I know they love me and I love them and am doing my best.

It will get better won't it my friends? Yes, with positive thinking and hope for the future, and we do have HOPE, it will get better. There will be a better world in the future for our children!

Don't Forget to be Grateful this Thanksgiving!

2009-11-25T16:48:00.003-05:00

Amidst all the Turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie, whipped cream, visiting with good friends and relatives, watching football, or whatever you enjoy on Thanksgiving - don't forget the most important thing to do - BE THANKFUL! Being grateful for our blessings can help us to forget about the trauma and stress in our lives - at least temporarily. It can help us to keep things in perspective, and give us renewed energy to keep going in spite of set backs and trials.

So, no matter how we spend tomorrow - some of us may opt to spend it at home away from extended family because of child abuse and PTSD issues - but whatever we do let's think about happy thoughts, things we can be thankful for. Everyone has something to be thankful for. I am sure if you think about it you will find things to be thankful for no matter how hard life may be right now. Believe me I know what it's like to have a mess in every area of your life - there is problems in every single area of my physical life right now. But, there are also many blessings that I have to be thankful for too.

Here are some of my blessings:

--my children (3 of them, don't ask me when they're naughty - just kidding:))
--my husband (sometimes I wonder, no, ha, ha,:))
--my friends, especially my close friends
--that I have been able to homeschool my children so far
--that I have medications, one new one, that are helping me cope
--that I have this blog to share my feelings, sometimes I really need that
--that I finally published my book, even though I'm still revising, and adding
to it, and will republish it
--my relationship the THE ETERNAL

By the way, those of you my friends who are not Americans, it is still a good exercise to think of what you are thankful for. Try it, who may find that there are more things than you knew you had to be thankful for. I'm sure if I thought of it I could also think of a lot more too.:)

I WANT OUT OF THIS COCOON; I WANT MY WINGS!

2009-11-23T20:01:00.002-05:00

I want out!
I want out of this cocoon!
I'm tired of being a captive.

I was a worm to begin with,
or so it seemed, or so it was
drummed into me by the abusers.
I could just slither along, I couldn't
even stand up or walk. I was a
lowly worm. That was all. I want
to be more than that! But wait.

Now I'm being enmeshed into a
slimy cocoon. Slowly it's winding
around and around me. Please,
I don't want to be in here! I
shed many a tear. I beg to be
let out. But, instead the years
add more and more layers of
an awful, terrible encapsulating
cocoon like claustrophia type webbing
around me until there is no way I
will ever get out. Please, please
let me out! Let me out of here!

Please let me out of here. Help me
out, let me go. Only the MOST
POWERFUL ONE could get me
out! I want my wings! I want to
go! I want my wings! I want to
fly! I want to spread my wings
and fly away from all of this tragedy
that has been my life; from all of
the layers and layers that are so
deep, and so wide and so long and
so very far down.

There are so many layers.
But they will be cut through
with the sword, the sword
of the spirit. I will be set free!
I will be given my freedom &
set free! Like a beautiful
butterfly is set free from her
cocoon, I too will be set free
from the pains and suffering
of this life. And, so will you
my friends!:)

There are ups and downs, but we must try to continue going up!

2009-11-17T22:01:00.003-05:00

Thursday is World Day for Prevention of Child Abuse. Before I forget I wanted to let everyone know about that and if someone has something to contribute Marj aka Thriver is hosting the Blog Carnival against Child Abuse this time. I've also contributed a post. I think it's very good for us to be supportive of one another and to promote awareness.

It has been a very rough time for me lately, that's why I haven't posted much. I've been fighting a very severe depression. I did have a very positive thing happen yesterday though. I won't go into details about that, and it's just a beginning, but it helps. But, also I had a very negative thing happen too. I found out that my kitty has diabetes, and that it will cost way to much money for us to afford the treatments that he would have to have every single day of his life and the once a week vet visits. He probably won't live long. I and my daughter especially are very sad. We don't want to put him down. But, we don't want him to suffer either. So, when he starts acting like he's really suffering I guess that'll be it. So, anyway, that news just added to the depression I already was dealing with. I can't remember if I said that I only saw my last psychologist twice, and she was awful! So it's back to none right now.

Anyway, it helps when you can get your mind off some of this other awful stuff and contribute to helping others. So, thank you Marj for inviting me to contribute to the Carnival!:)

I also did publish my book. I did it in a different pseudonym, and it is privately published right now because I think I might want to make some revisions/additions. It's a small but significant first book for me. So, it's like taking the lemons of my life - the horror story - and making lemonade - in other words - using it to help heal myself (cathartic) and others - if you know what I mean.

Have a great rest of the week everyone! Have a wonderful tomorrow!

HERE'S THE CONDENSED VERSION OF MY TRAUMA - THE CAUSES OF MY INJURIES AND ILLNESSES

2009-11-01T00:15:00.003-04:00

Childhood abuse, emotional, physical and sexual, and neglect starting when I was a baby did tremendous damage to my growing body and brain. I've never before been brave enough to post an entire blog just about that, but that is what I'm going to do in this blog posting.

From as long as I could remember I always suffered from insomnia, even as a toddler, then when I could sleep I'd have awful nightmares and sleep walk and talk and I'd have accidents because I'd went so long without sleep. Also, because of all of the forced feedings and beatings I'd always have pain in my abdomen, even when I wasn't at home. Even at school, in middle school, when I had effectively blocked out memory of the home abuse, I'd always be sick after eating lunch, every day. I always had bowel problems, and still do to this day! Also, I've suffered from migraines for a long time. Which, now in therapy I'm able to put that together with the head banging my mother used to do to my sister and I. My sister remembers it. Funny thing is my mother doesn't, yeah right, wouldn't ya know.

One of the worst years I remembered was when I was eleven. My father beat me so bad, that after that I started my period. I was beaten so badly all over my body. There were deep grooves by his damn belt all over my body. I wanted so badly not to even look at the meat pulp he made me look like. But, the one thing I couldn't avoid looking at was my hands! I hated him! He beat me worse than someone would beat a dead dog!

Anyway, I came out of that childhood with both legs having awful gross scars on them. On one leg there was a huge white ugly scar (thankfully that one has finally disappeared only a couple of years ago), and on the other leg there are still two deep indented scars.

Those are just the visible things though. On the inside of my body, he had beat me, until I developed weak ligaments and rectocele. I had rectocele and uterine prolapse. The thing about that is that a person's ligaments are kind of like a rubber band in that they can go up and down. So, when I would lay down it would get better and when I would stand for long periods of time it would get worse. Anyway, it started because of the childhood beatings. I just didn't know what was going on at the time. I didn't know what it was that was happening to me. And then after childbirth it got worse until my uterus came completely out, so then of course I had to have surgery.

My first surgery was for the rectocele and uterine prolapse. The uterine prolapse surgery didn't work though so during my third pregnancy I had to deal with the baby prolapsing throughout 1/2 of the pregnancy. Then I had a very complicated and dangerous surgery to remove my uterus at the same time as the cesarean. One year after that I developed vaginal vault prolapse - which is where a person's entire vagina turns inside out. I had been told that that was a possibility, but that that usually didn't happen to people unless they were very old or unless they had had many children; I believe it happened to me because of the severe abuse I suffered by being so badly beaten up so much starting out as a baby! Later, a few months later I developed Gartner's Duct cyst - which was probably from having had so many surgeries. You know, after all of that, I still felt something prolapsing. So, I went to another doctor and had my cervix removed which was the only thing left that could be prolapsing. But, now I'm left with pain.

To top all of that off, I had to have two surgeries for hernias over the past couple of years. I was beaten up so much and made to throw up so much, it just tore me up inside. It's disgusting! Also, last summer, my 8th surgery was to remove my gallbladder. I was having constant terrible nausea, and my gallbladder wasn't doing it's job.

Now my immunity is weak I think because of all of those surgeries, and maybe because of all of the prescriptions I have to be on too. I am currently since my hospital stay having to take 4 prescription drugs, plus pain killers and sinus medications.

I am so sick and tired of being sick and going to doctor's and surgeries, that I think that the only appts I'm going to keep are my psychiatrist and psychologist appts and just live with things as best I can. I have a family, kids to take care of. I don't have time for this. I don't want to spend my life sick or in the hospital.

Things will get better! I have to believe it - as much as I say it to you all! I must and do believe it myself!

One thing that I think helped me is I finished the rough draft of a book of my life. It's in a pseudonym though.

It will get better everone!:) Hang on to Hope!:)

There is NO excuse; they are STILL RESPONSIBLE!

2009-10-27T21:26:00.005-04:00

Does it really matter whether the abusers really know exactly what they did to me? Does it really matter? They are still responsible for what they did no matter what! It doesn't matter if they understand how deeply and completely they affected and ruined my childhood and life. It doesn't matter if they understand the consequences of their actions - their neglect, their emotional, physical and sexual abuse. They did it! And, some day they WILL have to face it! I don't know when, or where, or even how exactly, but I do believe in justice. So, I believe there will be a day when they will have to come to terms with it.

Some people don't believe in EVIL; but I do, because I lived with it! But, I also believe in GOODNESS. There will be justice!

Right now it's not going to happen though. I couldn't face talking with them about it. The wounds are still too open, too raw. It would destroy me; it hurts too much. And, they aren't repentant anyway. So, I just leave that & forgiveness and reconciliation which is hard to imagine, but imagine I do, in a pretty box way up high on a shelf,--waiting...

In a different time...in a different setting...it awaits...

KEEP WALKING

2009-10-24T22:45:00.002-04:00

Do you see the walking frog on the right hand side of my blog? He's constant. He's always there, and he's always walking UP. He doesn't give up. His feet are stuck. He can't jump or leap as frogs sometimes do. But, for the life of him he won't stop walking!

I read something somewhere about a frog that was swallowed by a bird predator. But, it wasn't immediately killed. So, it with all of it's might tried to walk out of the birds mouth; and, it kept on walking and walking until it did. Now, I tried to find that story again and couldn't find it. So, I don't know if it's true or not, or where I heard it. But, I thought it an excellent motivator story for us NOT to EVER GIVE UP even when LIFE IS HELL! Keep Walking! Remember the F.R.O.G.! F. -forever R. -remember O. -overcome & G -grow! Overcome your fears, and grow your new neurons!

My friends when Faith and Hope (that's what my last name Hoffen means in German) is gone, faith, hope, and love, will always be here!

I Can Now Empathize With Those Of You Who've Been Hospitalized

2009-10-20T22:43:00.003-04:00

I can now empathize with those of you who have been in a psychiatric hospital. This past Friday I voluntarily admitted myself. I had been progressively feeling more severely depressed since the end of our trip to CA. The trip had been a real UPPER, and after that it was a real DOWNER. In fact I had gone down so low that I had gotten to the point where I would wake up crying and cry all day until I went to bed again at night. Finally I just was not even wanting to continue on, it was just to hard, there were just too many SEVERE STRESSORS. AND, THAT IS NOT ME! I'm NOT one to give up! But, I was wanting to hurt myself; in fact I kept thinking those thoughts, and fighting even suicidal thoughts. And even saying these things to friends.

Finally, I told a couple of friends that I thought maybe I should go to the hospital, because I didn't really want to do those things that wouldn't leave my mind. As good friends would - they encouraged me to do so. So, my husband drove me there and I was there from Friday until Monday when I finally got to come home.

I was so happy to come home and be with my children again, my family again. I saw my psychiatrist today and she added a new medicine that should help me with the depression, but she changed the addition that they had made at the hospital. So, basically I'm not sure what help I really got at the hospital. The first night was a nightmare; I didn't get any sleep because they messed up and didn't give me one of my prescriptions.

Anyway, I think everything happens for a reason. I did give someone I met there my blog address; perhaps he will visit my blog. I met some very nice and sympathetic/empathetic people there, including one nurse who was very helpful to me. I'm sorry if I was kind of in my cocoon so to speak then; it was a very rough time for me - I know it was for you too (if some of you read this).

I wish all of you reading this only the best! Especially those of you who have been through that side of hell, I wish you a brighter future! It will come for you!!!

Grab onto a lifeline when you need it, and don't let go!

WHAT IS SUCCESS?

2009-10-11T01:28:00.002-04:00

What is your definition of success? Is it how much money a person makes in a year? Is it how famous or powerful someone is? Is it how popular one is? Is it defined by how many degrees or certificates or awards a person receives? Some people, perhaps most people would say yes, these define success.

I'm here to say that that kind of success is only temporary, and won't bring lasting happiness. However you want to define it - the kind of success I'm longing for isn't that kind at all. It's a kind of success that is not physical - not like that - I am seeking a success that I think we all desire. The success I speak of is a forever kind - it's when we achieve real - LOVE, PEACE, JOY, HOPE. When we have those, nothing else will matter much. Everything else kind of fades into the background. We don't need to be rich, famous, powerful, popular or successful by any other standards. Yes, we do need to have the basics - like food, water, safety; but, beyond that, nothing other than true LOVE, overflowing with all it entails, is all we need.

I believe in that hopeful future of LOVE for all of you who read this blog. May you find Peace.:)

Faith

CHILD ABUSE MEMORIAL

2009-09-28T22:13:00.002-04:00

I would like to announce for all of you interested in participating, a Child Abuse Memorial Sculpture in the making. If you will remember awhile back, in a previous post, I announced Michael C. Irving Ph.D's "Child Abuse Survivor Monument" that is in Canada.

Now there will also be one in the U.S. too. Janice Caine-Brewster is working on "Reaching Out: America Child Abuse Monument", which will be displayed in Alameda CA. If you wish to contact her you can at artist@reddingmgt.com. They need to collect a million handprints. For those wishing to participate please trace your handprint and tell your own story or how you want the world to be for children. Please visit this site for more information - http://www.irvingstudios.com/child_abuse_survivor_monument/index.html

I am personally very excited about this new opportunity for survivors! I also have contributed, albeit under a different name. I hope to see some of yours there too!:)

We Remember Our Heroes from 9/11

2009-09-11T22:07:00.002-04:00

The day is almost over but before it is I still have time to say - we remember and appreciate our heroes from Sept. 11, 2001. Eight years ago today many lost their lives through terrorist acts, but died courageous heroes in our eyes. We will never forget their brave last acts! Especially those willing to give up their own lives so that others could live - they will NOT be forgotten! Family members of heroes - stand proud - we know you are grieving, but you have much to be proud of!

We can all learn from their SELFLESS acts! Heroes, we salute you!!

Today is WORLD SUICIDE PREVENTION DAY

2009-09-10T11:48:00.003-04:00

Today, Sept. 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day. This week Sept. 6th - 12th is National Suicide Prevention Week. I've been wanting to come on earlier to make this post - but better late than never. If you have a blog please help to spread this information. Here is a good site to check out - http://www.sprc.org/. I have personally know several people who have committed suicide. It's more prevalent than maybe a lot of people realize.

Also, I on a little more personal note - I hate to admit it - but maybe I should. Maybe it would be of help to others so I will. Just a couple of days ago I had the brief thought cross my mind again. You see, I've been fighting a very bad depression. I've been dealing with a couple of deaths in the family, and of course my PTSD and grief from my own 'childhood death'. I wasn't allowed to have a normal childhood - I am grieving that now. The other day I sent a friend some cyber flowers 4 of them. One was for my brother's first baby that died, the other was for the other baby they lost, the third one was for my baby brother, -- but why did I send the fourth one? I pondered it. Then it occured to me. It was for me! I was grieving my lost childhood.

But, you see, I don't have to really die physically now, even though life is HELL sometimes. Yes, I do grieve. And, I will grieve. I have to, as a necessary healing process. But, I won't take my life. I can't have my childhood that was stolen; but I can relive it in a way - with my children now. They need me! I want to be here for them.

This is what keeps me going - FAITH, HOPE, LOVE, JOY AND PEACE which is totally beyond my understanding of how I even have it sometimes. But, I have to to keep going. We have to keep up the battle even though sometimes it seems like we're losing. Even if we lose a battle - let's not lose the WAR! Here's to TODAY! AND TOMORROW!:)