There are ups and downs, but we must try to continue going up!

Thursday is World Day for Prevention of Child Abuse. Before I forget I wanted to let everyone know about that and if someone has something to contribute Marj aka Thriver is hosting the Blog Carnival against Child Abuse this time. I've also contributed a post. I think it's very good for us to be supportive of one another and to promote awareness.

It has been a very rough time for me lately, that's why I haven't posted much. I've been fighting a very severe depression. I did have a very positive thing happen yesterday though. I won't go into details about that, and it's just a beginning, but it helps. But, also I had a very negative thing happen too. I found out that my kitty has diabetes, and that it will cost way to much money for us to afford the treatments that he would have to have every single day of his life and the once a week vet visits. He probably won't live long. I and my daughter especially are very sad. We don't want to put him down. But, we don't want him to suffer either. So, when he starts acting like he's really suffering I guess that'll be it. So, anyway, that news just added to the depression I already was dealing with. I can't remember if I said that I only saw my last psychologist twice, and she was awful! So it's back to none right now.

Anyway, it helps when you can get your mind off some of this other awful stuff and contribute to helping others. So, thank you Marj for inviting me to contribute to the Carnival!:)

I also did publish my book. I did it in a different pseudonym, and it is privately published right now because I think I might want to make some revisions/additions. It's a small but significant first book for me. So, it's like taking the lemons of my life - the horror story - and making lemonade - in other words - using it to help heal myself (cathartic) and others - if you know what I mean.

Have a great rest of the week everyone! Have a wonderful tomorrow!

HERE'S THE CONDENSED VERSION OF MY TRAUMA - THE CAUSES OF MY INJURIES AND ILLNESSES

Childhood abuse, emotional, physical and sexual, and neglect starting when I was a baby did tremendous damage to my growing body and brain. I've never before been brave enough to post an entire blog just about that, but that is what I'm going to do in this blog posting.

From as long as I could remember I always suffered from insomnia, even as a toddler, then when I could sleep I'd have awful nightmares and sleep walk and talk and I'd have accidents because I'd went so long without sleep. Also, because of all of the forced feedings and beatings I'd always have pain in my abdomen, even when I wasn't at home. Even at school, in middle school, when I had effectively blocked out memory of the home abuse, I'd always be sick after eating lunch, every day. I always had bowel problems, and still do to this day! Also, I've suffered from migraines for a long time. Which, now in therapy I'm able to put that together with the head banging my mother used to do to my sister and I. My sister remembers it. Funny thing is my mother doesn't, yeah right, wouldn't ya know.

One of the worst years I remembered was when I was eleven. My father beat me so bad, that after that I started my period. I was beaten so badly all over my body. There were deep grooves by his damn belt all over my body. I wanted so badly not to even look at the meat pulp he made me look like. But, the one thing I couldn't avoid looking at was my hands! I hated him! He beat me worse than someone would beat a dead dog!

Anyway, I came out of that childhood with both legs having awful gross scars on them. On one leg there was a huge white ugly scar (thankfully that one has finally disappeared only a couple of years ago), and on the other leg there are still two deep indented scars.

Those are just the visible things though. On the inside of my body, he had beat me, until I developed weak ligaments and rectocele. I had rectocele and uterine prolapse. The thing about that is that a person's ligaments are kind of like a rubber band in that they can go up and down. So, when I would lay down it would get better and when I would stand for long periods of time it would get worse. Anyway, it started because of the childhood beatings. I just didn't know what was going on at the time. I didn't know what it was that was happening to me. And then after childbirth it got worse until my uterus came completely out, so then of course I had to have surgery.

My first surgery was for the rectocele and uterine prolapse. The uterine prolapse surgery didn't work though so during my third pregnancy I had to deal with the baby prolapsing throughout 1/2 of the pregnancy. Then I had a very complicated and dangerous surgery to remove my uterus at the same time as the cesarean. One year after that I developed vaginal vault prolapse - which is where a person's entire vagina turns inside out. I had been told that that was a possibility, but that that usually didn't happen to people unless they were very old or unless they had had many children; I believe it happened to me because of the severe abuse I suffered by being so badly beaten up so much starting out as a baby! Later, a few months later I developed Gartner's Duct cyst - which was probably from having had so many surgeries. You know, after all of that, I still felt something prolapsing. So, I went to another doctor and had my cervix removed which was the only thing left that could be prolapsing. But, now I'm left with pain.

To top all of that off, I had to have two surgeries for hernias over the past couple of years. I was beaten up so much and made to throw up so much, it just tore me up inside. It's disgusting! Also, last summer, my 8th surgery was to remove my gallbladder. I was having constant terrible nausea, and my gallbladder wasn't doing it's job.

Now my immunity is weak I think because of all of those surgeries, and maybe because of all of the prescriptions I have to be on too. I am currently since my hospital stay having to take 4 prescription drugs, plus pain killers and sinus medications.

I am so sick and tired of being sick and going to doctor's and surgeries, that I think that the only appts I'm going to keep are my psychiatrist and psychologist appts and just live with things as best I can. I have a family, kids to take care of. I don't have time for this. I don't want to spend my life sick or in the hospital.

Things will get better! I have to believe it - as much as I say it to you all! I must and do believe it myself!

One thing that I think helped me is I finished the rough draft of a book of my life. It's in a pseudonym though.

It will get better everone!:) Hang on to Hope!:)

There is NO excuse; they are STILL RESPONSIBLE!

Does it really matter whether the abusers really know exactly what they did to me? Does it really matter? They are still responsible for what they did no matter what! It doesn't matter if they understand how deeply and completely they affected and ruined my childhood and life. It doesn't matter if they understand the consequences of their actions - their neglect, their emotional, physical and sexual abuse. They did it! And, some day they WILL have to face it! I don't know when, or where, or even how exactly, but I do believe in justice. So, I believe there will be a day when they will have to come to terms with it.

Some people don't believe in EVIL; but I do, because I lived with it! But, I also believe in GOODNESS. There will be justice!

Right now it's not going to happen though. I couldn't face talking with them about it. The wounds are still too open, too raw. It would destroy me; it hurts too much. And, they aren't repentant anyway. So, I just leave that & forgiveness and reconciliation which is hard to imagine, but imagine I do, in a pretty box way up high on a shelf,--waiting...

In a different time...in a different setting...it awaits...

KEEP WALKING

Do you see the walking frog on the right hand side of my blog? He's constant. He's always there, and he's always walking UP. He doesn't give up. His feet are stuck. He can't jump or leap as frogs sometimes do. But, for the life of him he won't stop walking!

I read something somewhere about a frog that was swallowed by a bird predator. But, it wasn't immediately killed. So, it with all of it's might tried to walk out of the birds mouth; and, it kept on walking and walking until it did. Now, I tried to find that story again and couldn't find it. So, I don't know if it's true or not, or where I heard it. But, I thought it an excellent motivator story for us NOT to EVER GIVE UP even when LIFE IS HELL! Keep Walking! Remember the F.R.O.G.! F. -forever R. -remember O. -overcome & G -grow! Overcome your fears, and grow your new neurons!

My friends when Faith and Hope (that's what my last name Hoffen means in German) is gone, faith, hope, and love, will always be here!

I Can Now Empathize With Those Of You Who've Been Hospitalized

I can now empathize with those of you who have been in a psychiatric hospital. This past Friday I voluntarily admitted myself. I had been progressively feeling more severely depressed since the end of our trip to CA. The trip had been a real UPPER, and after that it was a real DOWNER. In fact I had gone down so low that I had gotten to the point where I would wake up crying and cry all day until I went to bed again at night. Finally I just was not even wanting to continue on, it was just to hard, there were just too many SEVERE STRESSORS. AND, THAT IS NOT ME! I'm NOT one to give up! But, I was wanting to hurt myself; in fact I kept thinking those thoughts, and fighting even suicidal thoughts. And even saying these things to friends.

Finally, I told a couple of friends that I thought maybe I should go to the hospital, because I didn't really want to do those things that wouldn't leave my mind. As good friends would - they encouraged me to do so. So, my husband drove me there and I was there from Friday until Monday when I finally got to come home.

I was so happy to come home and be with my children again, my family again. I saw my psychiatrist today and she added a new medicine that should help me with the depression, but she changed the addition that they had made at the hospital. So, basically I'm not sure what help I really got at the hospital. The first night was a nightmare; I didn't get any sleep because they messed up and didn't give me one of my prescriptions.

Anyway, I think everything happens for a reason. I did give someone I met there my blog address; perhaps he will visit my blog. I met some very nice and sympathetic/empathetic people there, including one nurse who was very helpful to me. I'm sorry if I was kind of in my cocoon so to speak then; it was a very rough time for me - I know it was for you too (if some of you read this).

I wish all of you reading this only the best! Especially those of you who have been through that side of hell, I wish you a brighter future! It will come for you!!!

Grab onto a lifeline when you need it, and don't let go!

WHAT IS SUCCESS?

What is your definition of success? Is it how much money a person makes in a year? Is it how famous or powerful someone is? Is it how popular one is? Is it defined by how many degrees or certificates or awards a person receives? Some people, perhaps most people would say yes, these define success.

I'm here to say that that kind of success is only temporary, and won't bring lasting happiness. However you want to define it - the kind of success I'm longing for isn't that kind at all. It's a kind of success that is not physical - not like that - I am seeking a success that I think we all desire. The success I speak of is a forever kind - it's when we achieve real - LOVE, PEACE, JOY, HOPE. When we have those, nothing else will matter much. Everything else kind of fades into the background. We don't need to be rich, famous, powerful, popular or successful by any other standards. Yes, we do need to have the basics - like food, water, safety; but, beyond that, nothing other than true LOVE, overflowing with all it entails, is all we need.

I believe in that hopeful future of LOVE for all of you who read this blog. May you find Peace.:)

Faith

CHILD ABUSE MEMORIAL

I would like to announce for all of you interested in participating, a Child Abuse Memorial Sculpture in the making. If you will remember awhile back, in a previous post, I announced Michael C. Irving Ph.D's "Child Abuse Survivor Monument" that is in Canada.

Now there will also be one in the U.S. too. Janice Caine-Brewster is working on "Reaching Out: America Child Abuse Monument", which will be displayed in Alameda CA. If you wish to contact her you can at artist@reddingmgt.com. They need to collect a million handprints. For those wishing to participate please trace your handprint and tell your own story or how you want the world to be for children. Please visit this site for more information - http://www.irvingstudios.com/child_abuse_survivor_monument/index.html

I am personally very excited about this new opportunity for survivors! I also have contributed, albeit under a different name. I hope to see some of yours there too!:)

We Remember Our Heroes from 9/11

The day is almost over but before it is I still have time to say - we remember and appreciate our heroes from Sept. 11, 2001. Eight years ago today many lost their lives through terrorist acts, but died courageous heroes in our eyes. We will never forget their brave last acts! Especially those willing to give up their own lives so that others could live - they will NOT be forgotten! Family members of heroes - stand proud - we know you are grieving, but you have much to be proud of!

We can all learn from their SELFLESS acts! Heroes, we salute you!!

Today is WORLD SUICIDE PREVENTION DAY

Today, Sept. 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day. This week Sept. 6th - 12th is National Suicide Prevention Week. I've been wanting to come on earlier to make this post - but better late than never. If you have a blog please help to spread this information. Here is a good site to check out - http://www.sprc.org/. I have personally know several people who have committed suicide. It's more prevalent than maybe a lot of people realize.

Also, I on a little more personal note - I hate to admit it - but maybe I should. Maybe it would be of help to others so I will. Just a couple of days ago I had the brief thought cross my mind again. You see, I've been fighting a very bad depression. I've been dealing with a couple of deaths in the family, and of course my PTSD and grief from my own 'childhood death'. I wasn't allowed to have a normal childhood - I am grieving that now. The other day I sent a friend some cyber flowers 4 of them. One was for my brother's first baby that died, the other was for the other baby they lost, the third one was for my baby brother, -- but why did I send the fourth one? I pondered it. Then it occured to me. It was for me! I was grieving my lost childhood.

But, you see, I don't have to really die physically now, even though life is HELL sometimes. Yes, I do grieve. And, I will grieve. I have to, as a necessary healing process. But, I won't take my life. I can't have my childhood that was stolen; but I can relive it in a way - with my children now. They need me! I want to be here for them.

This is what keeps me going - FAITH, HOPE, LOVE, JOY AND PEACE which is totally beyond my understanding of how I even have it sometimes. But, I have to to keep going. We have to keep up the battle even though sometimes it seems like we're losing. Even if we lose a battle - let's not lose the WAR! Here's to TODAY! AND TOMORROW!:)

May You All Have a PEACEFUL End of the Week!

May every one who reads this have a very PEACEFUL end of the week! Whatever went on before during your week, however rough it may have been - it's over now. Leave it all behind. Relax, take it easy. You made it through another week. Enjoy a little R & R.

HAVE A PEACEFUL ONE!

Make Every Day Count!

Make every day count. In fact better to make every minute count. My uncle died Mon. He died from lung cancer. It took him really fast. At least he didn't have to suffer more. It was hard enough though on him and my aunt.

I remember when they used to babysit for me a lot through all of my doctor appt.'s, (I had gallbladder surgery recently, and haven't been feeling well for a long time) and the funny thing was that one of the last things I remember him telling me was that at least he wasn't in pain, and that he felt sorry for me (he had just recovered from chemo. for prostate cancer). Then, suddenly my aunt said that he had lung cancer and that he had like 6 months to live.

Life just keeps coming at you and you can't keep up. I can't even keep up around my own house, because I don't feel well almost all of the time. I do the homeschooling, and take the kids where they need to go..., but can't do much else. Anyway, Sun., I made some homemade zucchini bread and took it over to their house. Right as I got there they were taking him to hospice. She said he probably didn't have more than a couple of days.

Monday he died. My aunt is taking it very hard. I don't even know how all the funeral arrangements are getting done. I guess his sister is taking care of it. Tomorrow is the funeral. There have been too many funerals in the family lately. My nephew, my grandmother, now my uncle. And, there was my niece - premature - too young to even have a funeral.

You know, we never know how long we will have. We don't have to be depressing about it, but let's make every day count as if it is our last - because you never know if it might be. Let's make every minute count! Let's do what really matters! Let's spend time with those we love and who love us! What really matters to us, if today were our last day? What would you do?! Do it now!

-- Got Through Another Day

I took my kids to the lake today because it's almost the end of Aug., even though it was cold. We did have fun pedal boating though, and the kids had fun playing at the playground and wading -even in the chilly water:)

My uncle had to go in to hospice today though. My aunt hadn't slept in 36 hrs. she said. So, they came and got him today. She thinks that he won't make it more than a couple more days. He has lung cancer. She's going to really miss him I know.

Well, I better go get some sleep, now that tomorrow has already come; and I'm not feeling so well, I should be sleeping more than I am. I haven't been feeling well, for far too long.

Keep your chin up, except for when you need to go to sleep, my friends, - it'll be brighter in the morning!:)

Anger is like Fire!

Anger is like fire; one must be very, very careful with it! The other day I was talking with my psych. and he made the analogy that I felt was very fitting. You see, I've been very afraid of mine and other's anger. If you've read through some of my previous posts you have an idea why. Those of us with PTSD, especially complex PTSD caused by violent acts from others have an extremely hard time facing and dealing with anger. Even the wrong look on a partner's face can trigger a flashback - a flashback to anger, hatred, pain, humiliation!

The last thing I or anyone wants is another horrific flashback, or panic attack. Sometimes, however there are certain circumstances where anger is 'called for', where it can be considered just. There are times, when anger if it is handled rightly, can be beneficial. It's like fire. Fire can be deadly, if it is out of control - no one could deny that; and it is the same for anger. Fire is also necessary too though. We need fire to keep warm, to cook our food, in essence - for life. Sometimes anger helps to promote necessary change in society. And, it starts in our families.

For instance, it's not wrong to be angry about abuse - that we and others were and are being abused. It's certainly a good thing to speak up about things like that - to let our voices be heard to promote change for the better. It's not productive to become bitter, but that's altogether different. That's when we let the abuse turn us sour inside so we can't experience any positive emotions, and we let it destroy us so we can't grow and use it to become stronger.

So, let's use our anger energy as fuel for positive change, and not fight fire with fire or go for blood - like people are prone to do. Let's fight a good fight! Let's fight one that's worth fighting and winning!

Pink is for J.E. - is for Love

I choose pink for you baby J.E.
Next time I go to visit
I will take pink carnations --
because, I will never forget you!

Pink is the universal color of love,
it promotes feelings of caring and
tenderness, -- what I feel for you baby!

I remember J.D. too. She loved flowers.
I have mixed feelings for her. But,
I choose pink ones for her too
Pink is a mixture of colors -- red,
and white; it is used to promote
self worth. Even if I wonder
did she know anything -- if she did
why didn't she help -- I can be soothed,
anyway. Pink is a protection against
violence and aggression. I am safe now.
And, one day things will be made right!

I can't wait to see the beautiful pink
and blue sunset! Until then --
I've got a lot of work to do
I've got some little ones here waiting
for my help.

From the Depths to the Heights

From the depths of despair,
to the heights of hope,
we must scale the mountain
of our trauma,
in order to cope.

Sometimes this life seems like a roller coaster.
We go from one trauma to another,
never quite getting over the previous ones
before more stomach churning, earth shattering
trauma begins again.

This roller coaster, isn't fun though
it's sheer terror a lot of the time.

There is always another way
to look at it though
if we will only try...

We must try,
or we will die.
Life consists of hope.
Where there is no hope,
there is no more life.

Hope is the Water
that gives life to the flowers.
Without the daily water,
they wither and die.

Sometimes I can't hardly believe
the difference it makes when I
change my thinking about something.
To get a fresh new perspective makes
all the difference at times -
when that perspective is filled
with hope, joy and love!